Tuesday, January 13, 2009

2009 vs 2007

Probably the craziest freaking thing I have ever written. This is what happens when I don't get enough sleep. You've all been warned. Also, there be Twitter in the sidebar. Expect to see even more nonsense than usual around here.

Many people consider 2007 the year to beat when it comes to the quality and frequency of Wii software. 2008 was a slightly disappointing year, with few Nintendo titles and a major drop in third party quality. 2009, however, is looking to be one of the Wii's best years. How does this promising new year stack up against the quality offerings of 2007? That's what I'm going to find out.

Announcer: "In this corner, weighing in at a hefty 365 days and sporting a game library vast enough to make the Nintendo DS tremble... TWOOOOO-THOUSAAAAAAAND-SEEEEVEEEEEEEEEEN!!!

And in this corner, weighing in at 12 months and bringing with it an upcoming release list sure to make any gamer's day... TWOOOOO-THOUSAAAAAAAND-NIIIIIIIIIINE!!!"

*Starting bell rings*

Announcer: "2007 comes out swinging with Super Mario Galaxy and Metroid Prime 3: Corruption. 2009 blocks with Punchout! Wii and Sin & Punishment 2, then delivers a blow with a Madworld uppercut! 2007 staggers for a moment, then retaliates with Mario Strikers Charged. Ooh, a direct blow to 2009! Slightly woozy, 2009 manages to strike back with Wii Sports Resort with a MotionPlus finisher. 2007's on the ropes!"

*Bell rings*

Announcer: "And that's round one! Let's have a talk with our two fighters to see how they feel about the match so far..."

2007: "That 2009's nothing, man. Nothing! I got something up my sleeve for him... A real hidden gem. He'll never know what hit him!"

2009: "He may think he has me now, but I'm nowhere near done. I know all his moves, but nobody knows even half of what I have in store!"

*Bell rings*

Announcer: "And it's into the second round! 2007 looks poised to bring out that 'hidden gem' he mentioned earlier... Oh, and it's a devastating blow with Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure! And what's this...? Oh my! 2007 whipped out The Godfather: Blackhand Edition, delivering a mighty hit to 2009! 2009 weakly attacks back with Klonoa, but 2007's seen it before and knows what to expect! 2007's just too fast!

Wait... 2009's acting strange. He's standing up slowly... He's got a strange look in his eye. OH! A DEBILITATING BLOW! 2009 just slammed 2007 with the best punch I've ever seen! 2007's down for the count! ...8 ...9 ...10 ...and it's a K.O! 2007 is out cold! 2009 takes the title! Now then, I've got to know, what was that last punch? 2009, care to comment?"

2009: "Can't say just yet, man... but believe me... It'll be worth the wait."

Announcer: "...well, that seems to be it, folks. 2009's not about to let us in on the secret, and I doubt 2007 even saw that coming. It looks like we'll just have to wait until he's ready to reveal it all. Until then, this is your announcer 2008. Couldn't get a better job with my track record..."

...and that's why 2009 will be better than 2007. Yup.

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Kyle said...

Awesome article. That was hilarious. Now what was 2009's secret move? Hmm...

NaomiKnight said...

What. Is wrong. With you.

... I lol'd.

Ryan said...

LOL. You forgot completely about The Conduit though.