Today Sony pulled back the curtains on their newest creation, the PSP 3D. I was lucky enough to grab an interview with a spokesperson for the company, Soniraji Osuteshon, where I was allowed to ask any question I wanted about this revolutionary new product.
ODDLY News: Before we get into the real interview, I'd first like to know a little more about how the PSP 3D actually works.
Soniraji Osuteshon: The PSP 3D utilizes solar radiation to power its light-speed quantum energy core, which superheats the air within three inches of the screen's surface, causing spatial distortion and creating the illusion of 3D imagery. It also doubles as a portable barbecue.
ODDLY: I'm just going to pretend I understood that and move along. From the few words I actually understood, I've come to the conclusion that this sounds incredibly dangerous to handle. What sort of testing has been done to ensure the safety of the player?
SO: We haven't really had a change to test the PSP 3D just yet, as we only finished up the design last night.
ODDLY: Last night?!
SO: Yes. As you've no doubt noticed, there isn't really much of an R&D department at Sony. It's pretty much just a bunch of people sitting at computers, constantly refreshing Nintendo news sites waiting for something new and interesting to be announced. Whenever Nintendo announces a new product, we jump right into the development stage, building off of whatever was just revealed. The only difference is, this time around, we're beating Nintendo to the punch, as the PSP 3D is slated for release in approximately... Ten minutes.
ODDLY: So soon? And without testing it for consumer safety?
SO: Consumer safety? What does that matter? We've finally managed to beat Nintendo to the finish line, and we're not looking back. The PSP 3D will be released today at 5:00 PM sharp, for the completely reasonable price of $14,000.
ODDLY: F-f-f-fourteen thousand dollars?!
SO: Yes. We at Sony offer luxury versions of the competition's products, and you truly get what you pay for when you invest in our technologies. Whether or not the consumer can actually afford it is none of our concern.
ODDLY: Well, for that price, the PSP 3D had better do a lot more than make things pop out of the screen!
SO: Oh, but it does! The PSP 3D will be twenty times as powerful as the PS3, with graphics becoming even more detailed than reality itself. In order to accommodate all these texture files and high-end models, the PSP 3D will ship with a separate 50TB hard drive and a complementary backpack in which to carry the massive storage device. This unit will allow the storage of up to five PSP 3D games at once. The PSP 3D will also come with seven car batteries, which can be carried around in a shopping cart, also included in the package with the hard drive and backpack. These batteries will allow for up to twelve minutes of gameplay/barbecuing.
ODDLY: But I thought the PSP 3D was powered by solar radiation... Or something?
SO: No, that merely handles the 3D capabilities of the product. This is some high-tech stuff here. No mere pushover like the Sun is capable of powering this kind of horsepower!
ODDLY: Well then, uh... Getting back to the planet Earth for a moment, I've noticed the PSP 3D is nearly identical to the original PSP and its minor hardware revisions. Is there a particular reason for this?
SO: The PSP 3D is visually identical to the PSP for two major reasons. First, it's because we got lazy and just gutted a lot of old PSP units we had sitting around, and second, it creates confusion among the consumers. They might go out in search of a PSP 3D, and see a regular PSP on the shelf, buying it thinking they're getting the newest handheld.
ODDLY: You want to confuse the customers?
SO: Of course! We put out the visually-identical PSP 3D, and the consumer goes out buying a PSP thinking it's the same thing!
ODDLY: You're really banking on the consumer being so foolish?
SO: Yup! Look how well it worked out for the PSP Go!
ODDLY: But the Go sold terri-
SO: LA LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LA LA LA LA LA
ODDLY: I take it our interview is over?
SO: LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
ODDLY: ...I'm just going to leave now.
SO: BUY ONE! BUY FIVE!
The PSP 3D is now on sale at all major electronics retailers for $14,000. Games that actually take advantage of the PSP 3D's abilities have yet to be announced, but are expected to cost between $100 and $500 apiece.
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