PokéOddities

I know I said that I was through with Pokémon, but... Apparently Pokémon wasn't through with me. Curse you, Game Freak!


Pokémon has made a few appearances in my "Gaming Oddities" series of articles, but after picking up Diamond again, I realize that it deserves a list all its own. There's just too much about this series that doesn't make sense. First off...

Pokémon: A proud supporter of interspecies relationships

-Trainer Jim sent out Smoochum!
-"Go, Charmander!"
-The foe's Smoochum used Attract!
-Charmander became infatuated!
-"...what."

Apparently Poltergeist isn't standard viewing at Game Freak HQ

Normal-type attacks do no damage to Ghost-type Pokémon. Okay, fine, that makes perfect sense. But Ghost-type attacks do no damage to Normal-type Pokémon? Take a seat, please, Mr. Tajiri. See, common stories involving ghosts not only include them scaring the crap out of humans (Sometimes literally), they also sometimes involve the ghosts making physical contact with their victims. Hence, Ghost-types can effect Normal-type Pokémon... Unless Earth is entirely populated by psychics, body-builders, goths, dragons, fire-eaters, swimmers... You get the idea.

Just got your butt kicked by that wild Skarmory? Don't worry, he's also a licensed air ambulance!

Having all your Pokémon knocked-out in battle causes you yourself to pass out and reappear at the last-visited PokéCenter. If that's not odd enough, how about the never-explained mode of transportation that miraculously teleports you to safety? It seems even the most wild of Pokémon has it in them to take you to that safe haven known as a PokéCenter while you're dozing off.

Perhaps even stranger is the fact that losing to a member of the local crime syndicate yields the same results. You'd think the group would rather jail you up to keep you quiet rather than push you out the front door and let you tell the whole world what they're up to. No wonder they're always so incompetent.

Alakazam has an IQ of over 5000 and a perfect memory, but does he know why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

Alakazam is, by far, the most intelligent of all Pokémon. With an IQ of over 5000 and brain cells that multiply up until the day he dies (According to Pokédex entries throughout history), this Pokémon's intelligence and memory are unmatched by anything else. Alakazam has been referred to as "a living supercomputer" many times throughout the series. So if Alakazam is so smart and has such an incredibly memory... Why can he only learn four moves? Whenever a new attack is to be learned, Alakazam must "forget" a previous one. So much for that perfect memory.

The Pokédex: Simultaneously empty and all-knowing

At the beginning of Pokémon Red/Blue/Yellow, Professor Oak gives the player a blank Pokédex. A Pokédex which he says is blank. Yet capturing any Pokémon suddenly fills it with the extent of the world's knowledge on the species. Doesn't make much sense, does it? So let's say that the Pokédex isn't blank, and instead contains all information relating to every known Pokémon. Why must we "unlock" said information by viewing the relevant Pokémon? It would be so much more helpful to know the types of all the Pokémon we're facing before we get into a fight with them.

So then, either Professor Oak is lying to us about the Pokédex being blank, or it's an amazingly perceptive and ground-breakingly intelligent device. Either way doesn't make much sense, does it?

Shoot first, then maybe breathe fire and bite later

The second generation of Pokémon brought with it many significant additions to the series. Genders, breeding, different Pokémon types, and perhaps most notably, a day/night cycle based on the real-world clock. This one feature introduced Pokémon that would only appear at certain times of day and a police force that becomes incredibly irritable when the sun sets. So much as walk in front of these "officers of the law" and you'll be forced into a Pokémon battle with them. Apparently the cops of Johto are of the "guilty until proven innocent" mindset.

Maybe things just materialize as needed?

The mountainous terrain, patches of tall grass and many rocks along the routes of the Pokémon world make for an interesting adventure... But spell disaster for any sort of vehicular transportation. Despite this, though, people miraculously have access to all sorts of technology and resources, no matter how incredibly difficult it may be to get there. Just look at the below image. East of Lavaridge are impassable cliffs and a path through a rocky and craggy mountain side. I'll never know why anyone ever settled in Lavaridge...

How the people of Lavaridge get anything at all boggles the mind

Land vehicles are certainly out of the question when it comes to shipping goods about (Yeah, right, tell that to the player's moving truck in the beginning of Ruby/Sapphire/Emerald...), so what about air? Nothing can stop the helicopters and planes of the world from flying overhead... Although plenty stops them from ever landing. All four regions in the main series are completely devoid of airstrips and helipads, so unless the entire shipping world is dominated by bush pilots, air is out of the question, too.

Heck, I think the only time there's ever been any sort of feasible means of shipment was via sea in Hoenn, and even then it was limited to the Eastern half of the territory. So... Maybe they rigged something up with the Pokéball teleporters to transport goods? Until I see proof, I'm gonna label that a theory and stick with the idea of people just randomly getting everything they need from thin air.

All Pokémon come with complimentary off-screen interpreter

"Go, Pikachu!"
"اخترت لكم ، Pikachu!"
"私は、ピカチュウを選ぶ！"
"Elegir usted, Pikachu!"
"Je vous choisissez, Pikachu!"
"Ζήτω για το Google μεταφραστή, Pikachu!"

No matter how you say it, they understand it. So not only can Pokémon understand the words of all other Pokémon, they can understand every single language known to man as well. It seems Alakazam isn't the only one that qualifies as a "living supercomputer"...

"Hi, I'm Dory"

Beating the Pokémon League for the first time is a great, fulfilling achievement. You've managed to take out what are (Often) the five toughest opponents in the game, in a row, with no breaks. Such an upset is sure to send ripples through the land, and those once-elite four are sure to have some choice words for you upon your return to the League, right?

Well, no, not really. It seems everyone at the Pokémon League suffers from a severe case of short term memory loss, since they never seem to recall you having beaten them before. An amazing feat, really, since the Hall of Fame records accessible at any PC in the world can say you've defeated them. So not only do the Elite Four have no memory whatsoever, they don't even have an internet connection. Also, why do we have to take out the "champion" each additional time we challenge the League? Shouldn't the title belong to the player at this point? Maybe Gary just gets his Alakazam to brainwash everyone so he can keep his position as number one...

And now for something completely different...


If that doesn't look like a man lying down yet "standing up", I'm a monkey's desk lamp. I think the ESRB was asleep that day.

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Stop the Pokémon train, I want to get off

So short! Don't worry, I got a review planned for the next couple days. Hold tight!


Back in 1999 I got a Game Boy Color and a copy of Pokémon Yellow: Special Pikachu Edition for Christmas. I loved that game then, and I still do now, having bought another copy to replace my long-lost cartridge. However, the latest iterations of Pokémon haven't managed to evoke that same feeling of wonder and enjoyment that the first two generations did. I've grown bored of Pokémon.

One of the reasons this may be is that nothing's really changed. We still fight eight themed gyms, get our starters from some professor that shares a name with a tree, and fight against some evil organization of varying competence. Four generations all with their own versions of the above, yet it all manages to be just about exactly the same in the end.

Another possible reason is the steady decline in the quality of the Pokémon themselves. The simple and cute designs of the first 150 have evolved into complex and bizarre-looking creatures occupying the latest 98 additions.

I think it's safe to say that Game Freak's run out of good ideas for new Pokémon, since now the new gimmick seems to be bringing back old creatures in new forms (Or "Formes", as they're officially called), with a serpentine Giratina, a variety of household appliance forms for Rotom (What, no sandwich?), and a mysteriously airborne dog redesign for Shaymin. If this is what's in store as the new big thing in the inevitable fifth generation, well, don't expect me to invest in Pokémon Graphite.

Also, like I said in "Pokémon: Why it needs to go back to go forward", I'm sick of how nicey-nice the so-called rivals have been these last two generations. I want someone I really feel like kicking the crap out of, not some good friend of mine. I want someone like the jerk from Gold/Silver/Crystal to really get my blood boiling again. But no, we have to make do with rejects from an after-school special instead that practically encourage us to wipe their Pokémon off the face of the Earth.

When Pokémon Platinum rolls around I'll probably pick it up for one last go, but after that I think I'll be jumping off the Pokémon train for good. It's been a good nine year ride, but it's about time I move on to something new. Maybe I'll finally get around to tracking down a copy of Mother 3 and a translation patch.

How about you? Has Pokémon lost its grip on you? Let your thoughts be known in the comment section, or this forum thread. And, if you read this by the 12th, you can also let your feelings be known via the current poll, located in the sidebar. So go ahead, vote, comment and post! Or none of the above! Because, you know, I can't control you... Yet...

Lawn mower, fridge, toaster, washing machine, fan... What else could Rotom be?

Another short one. Oh well. Hopefully Friday will be better.


So, it was revealed recently that the Pokémon Rotom would be getting new forms in Pokémon Platinum. That's cool, until you hear this: The forms are all appliances. That's right, not only do we get to control freaked-up animals and mystical creatures, now we get to pick up our Maytag washing machines and let them do our bidding. What's next?

Perhaps we'll to take our laptops into battle soon? Or how about driving a car onto the battlefield? That'd be something. Oh, and I can just imagine how it would look if we got the ability to bring TVs into the equation. Battles would be endlessly delayed in wait of a commercial break for sure.

Would it faint, or get the Blue Screen of Death?

Hey, why let it stop here? How about we just plain old make brand new Pokémon out of machinery and appliances! A Ground-type bulldozer, a Water-type boat, heck, let's go for an Electric-type Nintendo DS while we're at it! Those dual screens could do a whole lot of damage!

After this electronic revolution, who knows what could be next? How about a Pokémon made out of food? "Wild Donut appeared! Go, Torterra! Use 'Eat'!" Next thing you know, it'll turn out that the Silph Co. building was a sleeping Pokémon all along. Nobody will see that one coming!

I may be a dedicated fan of Pokémon, but even I can see that ideas are starting to run out at Game Freak. I'll tolerate the Rotom forms, but if it goes any further, I do believe I'll be spending my cash elsewhere. Nobody needs to see a wild sandwich appear.


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A few more animals not yet made into Pokémon

Pokémon Week is go!



By racking my brain I have come up with yet another small selection of animals so that have so far avoided the Pokégrip of Game Freak. These few species should enjoy their freedom as it lasts, since the next generation is surely already being developed...

Koala

This adorable little specimen from Australia would make a good normal-type Pokémon. It would probably have attacks like Scratch, Defense Curl, Pound and Body Slam, and be about the same size as a real koala. It could even evolve into a bigger, meaner koala, with huge arms and a large body. The Koala Pokémon would probably have high health and defense, average attack, and low speed.

And what could this Pokémon be called? I was thinking maybe Kobear, due to the animal commonly being called a "koala bear". Of course, that's just one idea from a guy that's really bad at thinking up names.

Goat

I'm actually a little surprised to have not seen a goat Pokémon yet. It's a sturdy, well-known animal that would be great as another normal-type. Stomp, Take Down, Horn Attack and Rage would definitely be present in its moveset. It would likely have a high attack and speed, average defense, and low health. So, basically, it's a Tauros with different stats.

As for a name, I suppose Ramgoat or something like that would show up. But, as I said before, I really suck with names. It's a darn good thing that you don't often have to make up names when giving one to a child, or else any kid I may have in the future would have a really stupid name. In fact, for the sake of the child's sanity, I'd leave naming to the mother.

Goose

A goose Pokémon would make a great addition to the Pokémon world in my opinion. An excellent candidate for the next water and flying creature, it would have high defense and health, with medium attack and speed. Moves like Water Gun, Peck, Roost and Mist would be perfect for this fixture of Canadian landscape.

As for a name? How about Psychogoose? For some reason, that name rings a bell... And while we're talking about Canada's bird, what of America's?

Eagle

The majestic eagle has surprisingly avoided the eye of Game Freak for all these many years. How much longer until this flying/normal type pops up on our DS screens? My guess is, not much longer at all. With possible attacks like Aerial Ace, Sky Attack, Drill Peck and Wing Attack, this surefire heavy-hitter is a shoo in for generation five. High attack and speed with average defense and health, the eagle really is a perfect fit for a Pokémon.

Now, what to name this one... Sky + Eagle = Skeagle, perhaps? Boy am I bad at this...

Prairie Dog

The noble prairie dog would fit in well with all the other rodent-like Pokémon already present in the game. I suppose it would be best suited as a ground type, since it lives in burrows in the real world. It wouldn't be that outstanding of a Pokémon, though, as it would probably only have a high speed stat, with everything else being average. Possible attacks for this Pokémon would be Dig, Earthquake, Slash and, of course, Glare.

And a name... How about Prairdog? No? Yeah, I didn't think so either.

Lemur

This little guy already seems like a tailor-made Pokémon. Bizarre proportions, insanely cute, and very, very hyperactive. Back away, folks! This is a Pokémon waiting to happen! The lemur Pokémon would probably have good attack and speed stats, with average defense and health. Attacks would likely be centered on tail-based moves, such as Tail Whip, Iron Tail, and so on.

Murtail? Tailmur? Lemurwhozawhatzit? Yeah, I'll just stop trying now.

So, there you have it. A whopping six animals that still evade Game Freak. If the last two editions of this are any indication, I should expect a whole wave of comments tomorrow telling me I'm wrong on at least one of them. Just one of the things I need to get used to, it seems.

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The worst final bosses

Think of this as "The greatest final boss battles of all time"'s evil little brother.

Generally a game's story leads up to a huge, amazing battle at the end. Super Mario Galaxy, Metroid Prime and The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time are all fine examples of this. After so much adventuring and fighting, players finally reach the final boss. Really, at this point, we gamers deserve to be treated to an amazing spectacle of game design and storytelling. We want the last part of this game to be the best. Sadly, some games just can't pull it off, leaving us with a disappointing final battle hardly fit for the adventure we just completed.

Link: The Faces of Evil and Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon

Of course, there are some cases where the battle's mediocrity is rivaled only by the rest of the game it's in. Thus is the story of Link: The Faces of Evil and Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon. The resulting bastardization of an ill-fated Nintendo/Phillips partnership, these two games are widely regarded as some of the worst ever made. The final boss battles did nothing to make up for the terrible quality and design of the games themselves. After all this time, all this suffering, you want to really have it out with Ganon. You want to rip his Face of Evil off of him for forcing you to experience this crap pile of a game. And how does the battle go?

"...or else you will DIE!"

One hit, he's down. No, really. In Faces of Evil and Wand of Gamelon, Ganon is defeated either by throwing some book at him, or tossing the Wand of Gamelon into his piggy face. I suppose it's only fitting, though. A crappy end to a crappy game. Alright, enough dwelling on this pustule on the ass of game design.

Super Mario Sunshine

Ah, Sunshine. It's amazing how many people have sad so many bad things about your gameplay, but hardly a peep about your terribly disappointing final boss battle. I'd hardly even consider it to be a battle, come to think of it. What does it entail? Breaking Bowser's hot tub to send him plummeting into some sort of abyss. Yup. Mario basically pushed aside all formalities and caught the man while his pants were down. A classy guy, that Mario.

"Dammit, Mario! This is my 'Me Time'!"

Anyways, throughout the entire "battle", Bowser toasts you with his flame breath as Bullet Bills constantly rain down on you. Is there anyway to hit Bowser? Nope. You don't even get to touch the bugger once in the whole darned battle. A boss battle where you don't even make contact with the enemy can be an interesting design choice if done right, but the thing is, this wasn't done right. Instead of an amazing final battle, we get to see Bowser taking a bath while Mario tears up his floating hot tub. Doesn't this go against some sort of Plumber's Code?

Pokémon Diamond and Pokémon Pearl

The final battle against Cynthia, the Elite Four Champion, is a bad boss fight for a somewhat different reason than the others on this list. The real reason this is here is because of the fact that players have to fight Cynthia. Cynthia, the person we know next to nothing about. Cynthia, the person who appeared about three times previously in the game. Cynthia, who doesn't even seem to matter at all until the time we fight her. Seriously, why her? Couldn't something else have been worked out? I mean, it was a good fight, sure, but I hardly would consider Cynthia a proper final battle. Someone we know a little better would have been nice. Perhaps even a person we thought wasn't even that strong a trainer. Imagine if it turned out to be the starter player we didn't choose. Players who chose to play as Lucas would face Dawn, and vice versa. I would have liked almost anything more than to fight this woman we knew almost nothing about.

Cynthia...? Seriously?

But, maybe I'm just nitpicking here. After all, if Pokémon were to adhere to real-world logic and probability, the chances of the Elite Four Champion being someone you know personally would be insanely low. But after facing Gary, Lance and Steven, I had expected someone more important to the story to be my opponent. Heck, facing off against Professor Oak would have been better. Actually, that's not a bad idea... Game Freak, get working on it!

Final Fantasy

That's right, I'm calling out one of the all-time classics. Well, technically I'm calling out it's Game Boy Advance remake, but close enough. Anyways, Chaos was way too easy. I was in no way overly leveled up or loaded with the best weapons available. I took him on thinking I'd be thoroughly wiped out, but emerged victorious without even breaking a sweat.

Small picture, small threat.

I've heard that the Dawn of Souls remake is far easier than the original title, but still, it's no excuse for a 100% underwhelming and not-at-all-challenging final boss battle. I want it to feel like I'm practically dead as I deliver the final blow, not standing there yawning while swiping my sword at him. Chaos was no challenge at all. He was more intimidating as Garland. "I, Garland, will knock you all down!" Seriously, this is far more cool than anything Chaos ever said or did. Garland should have quit when he was ahead. Or behind. However time travel works.

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The Duck Has Spoken.