Microsoft buys the moon, plans radical redesign

In the most massive purchase of all time, Microsoft today gained the rights of ownership to Earth's moon. Their plans for the natural satellite? The universe's biggest billboard. "What better place to advertise than in a place people see every single day of their lives?" asks Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer. "In addition, we'll make it into the record books for sure, making absolutely positive that nobody on Earth won't know the words 'Xbox 360'!"

"We've been thinking about this for a while, and the time has finally come for us to start work on this tremendous undertaking. We're sending ten thousand of the finest imported workers into space, along with eight trillion green LED lights. The next Lunar Eclipse is going to be great!"

"Of course, this isn't the sort of thing you'd think up and execute in a hurry. Many designs were considered for the billboard, and we were surprised at the negative reception one of our prototype designs received." This rejected design can be found below.


In addition to the above, Microsoft will also be altering much of the technical lunar terminology. A partial list of the changes can be found below, with original terms on the left, and new ones on the right. Explanations are provided in brackets:

• Apogee = Bungie (Rights to the name "Apogee" could not be acquired from 3D Realms)
• Blue Moon = Green Moon ("There's nothing blue about this moon!" -Ballmer)
• Crater = Blood Gulch (In honour of the map in Halo: Combat Evolved)
• New Moon = X Moon (As it's the time at which the logo will be most visible)

"The moon isn't the only thing being changed here. We at Microsoft will change the world!"

Not to be outdone, Apple is now working on purchasing the Sun, which they plan to name "iSol". Some casualties are to be expected when it comes to stamping the logo on the yellow star's surface. "Hey, you can't make an iSol without melting a few interns!" commented Apple CEO Steve Jobs.

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The Mac VS PC ads are full of crap

People just love crapping all over Windows Vista. "Oh, it crashes! Oh, so many errors!" Back when I first got it in September 2007, I agreed. I got errors and it crashed about once a day. For quite some time I was seriously considering switching back to XP, but unless I took the illegal route, there was no good way to do it. Okay, I thought, I can deal with this. It's not too bad. And then, come February 4th, 2008, all the problems disappeared with the release of Service Pack 1. Crashes stopped happening, and errors all but disappeared. I even noticed that there were less Mac VS PC commercials floating about. Well, for a while, at least.

The ads came back after a little while, and they were saying all the same crap as before. It's broken, Mac is better, blah blah blah. I wonder sometimes whether the guys at Apple have even touched Vista since the update. Just about everything wrong with the operating system is fixed now. Sure, it's still a RAM-sucker, but otherwise it's just fine.

A few weeks ago, a new Mac VS PC ad debuted responding to Microsoft's new "I'm a PC" ads, saying that they should have used all that advertising money to "fix Vista". See, that'd be a good idea, but the thing is, Vista isn't broken. It works fine. I don't think I've had a single problem since February that was caused by Vista itself. I've had a few errors and such due to other programs, of course, but that's not the fault of the OS.

Now whenever I see a Mac VS PC ad I just get angry. Before what they said was true, but now it seems they're ignoring all the developments since then and continuing to make Vista look worse than it is.

In case you haven't guessed, I'm a PC sorta guy. Now, I'm not at all hating on you Mac fans out there. I'll never look down on people for something like that. However, I am angry at Apple. They lie continually in their ads, making Vista look like the worst thing ever while constantly dodging the shortcomings of their own operating system.

Also, you gotta love their counter-argument whenever you bring up the fact that almost no games support Mac OSX; "Just use Bootcamp and run Windows!". Oh, is that so? You know, Windows isn't cheap, and neither is an Apple computer of any kind. As if consumers weren't paying out of their asses before. Also, Windows XP is nearly extinct nowadays, meaning that you're supporting Vista in a way by suggesting this. So isn't that just admitting that Vista is better than Mac OSX in a way? Admitting that OSX is inferior to Vista in at least one department? Doesn't that make all of your advertising and mud-slinging moot? "Oh, Vista sucks, but you should use it on a Mac if you want to play games". Uh, yeah.

I generally hate when a company resorts to mud-slinging for their advertising. It makes them look like jerks. That's exactly what Apple is doing. Stop yammering about how terrible Windows Vista is (According to you, anyways) and start talking about what your computers do right. That's what an advertisement should be. Any commercial should basically go "Hey, look at our product. It does this and this and this. Buy our product.", not "The competition's product sucks, sucks sucks. Buy our product.".

You know that old saying "Don't believe everything you hear"? Be sure to keep it in mind next time you see a Mac VS PC commercial. Chances are it's nothing but crap, crap, crap. Vista is a perfectly acceptable operating system, and, while it has its shortcomings, it's nowhere near as bad as Apple makes it sound.

What do you think of these ads? Do you find them funny? Angering? Or do you even give half a damn? Feel free to let me know in the comment section, or this forum thread.

Microsoft games on Wii: Why it very well could happen

Early start!



In the last few years, quite a few Microsoft brands have made appearances on the DS. MechAssault and Zoo Tycoon are two such games, and there are many more I'm sure to be forgetting. Also, Rare (A Microsoft-owned company) has even developed a few titles for Nintendo's little handheld, such as Viva Piñata: Pocket Paradise and Diddy Kong Racing DS. Microsoft does this because the DS is no threat to them. They have no portable platform to compete with it, so making games for the DS is nothing but beneficial to their profits.

Recently, members of the Viva Piñata: Pocket Paradise crew were interviewed by SPOnG. There were a few interesting tidbits in this review, the most notable being the following:

SPOnG: So, we’ll never be seeing Viva Piñata on the Wii then?

Gary Richards: (Grins). I’m not saying.

While this is interesting, it doesn't mean that much on its own. After all, both the Wii and XBox 360 are in the same general market, so Microsoft would never consider developing for Nintendo's console... Right?

Wrong. Remember, business is all about the money. Rivalry means nothing if there's cash to be made. Let's look at where Microsoft is in the console war right now. They're losing big-time to the Wii, and the Playstation 3 is starting to creep up on them. So, they dropped the price on all 360 SKUs. When this happened, Microsoft had the following to say:

“I’m not at a point where I can say we’re going to beat Nintendo. We will sell more consoles this generation than Sony.”

Basically, this is admitting that Microsoft will never catch up to the Wii. Really, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this out. It's also fairly simple to figure this out: The Wii is far ahead of the 360. The install base for Nintendo's console is already past at 30 million. A large install base means a large audience, and thus a large market. Also, Viva Piñata is a family-friendly, open-ended game starring cute characters. Sounds like a perfect fit for the Wii to me! It's games like Viva Piñata that tend to really sell well on the Wii, and I'm sure Microsoft has realized this.

Now, Microsoft is surely not shy about expanding the title to new platforms. It's already hit the PC and the DS. Have these changes affected the 360's market share? As far as I can tell, moving the game to these platforms hasn't even made a dent in the 360's sales numbers. What difference would it make taking the series over on to the Wii? Look at the Wii's target audience, and compare it to that of the 360. They're completely different, with Viva Piñata actually seeming like a better fit for Nintendo's platform than its original console.

Like I said, it all comes down to one thing: Money. Making a Viva Piñata game for the Wii would only make sense. Of course, that's not to say it absolutely will happen. There's no way I can say such a thing as this with 100% certainty. The possibility is there, though. And if Viva Piñata does make the jump, what's stopping other Microsoft properties from doing the same? I'm seeing Microsoft and Nintendo being quite close in the future, and both of them are sure to benefit.

I'm ready for some piñata-farming fun on the Wii. How about you?

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Letters to the industry

I'll be out tomorrow night, so here's something today instead.

To: Nintendo
Subject: My fridge is full

Hey, Nintendo. The whole Wii refrigerator approach to the storage problem works to an extent, but it's not a real fix. What we need now is support for USB storage. No dilly-dallying and no excuses. Even if it's just a downloadable update that allows us to use our own USB pen drive or whatever, that would be great. Just do something other than dance around the issue.

Also, how about finally showing us Animal Crossing Wii? Enough teasing and hinting already, just give us a little something more substantial. A screenshot, some official renders, anything! We know you're making it, so just give us a peek already!


To: Microsoft
Subject: Mind waiting until the next generation first?

It's recently been heavily implied that a Mii-like caricature service will soon become available on the XBox 360. Even more suspected is the supposed Wii-like controller to be debuting sometime late this year or early 2009. I'm not writing to throw around accusations of stealing ideas or anything, as that's already been said more than enough times. What I'm writing about is that this seems like too much of a change to make partway through a generation. If the caricatures and motion-sensing were there at launch, I'd be okay with it. But surely you know that peripherals introduced anywhere but at the console's launch rarely catch on as well as they would if they were there from the start. This has bad idea written all over it.


To:Electronic Arts
Subject: You're not Pac-Man, stop eating everything.

As I'm sure everyone knows, competition is key to advancement in any industry. If nobody opposes you, why bother moving forward at all? Why take risks if you're the consumer's only choice? While this may work fine at first, it can only go downhill from there.

If you keep absorbing companies like you are now, so much of the competitive spirit will be sucked out of the gaming industry. You've taken BioWare and Pandemic already, and I think that's enough for now. Leave Take-Two alone, you don't need them. Things are fine as is. Competition keeps an industry healthy, not excessive mergers.


To: Data Design Interactive
Subject: You got your crap in my peanut butter

Surely you can't believe that any of the games you ever release are anywhere near adequate. Ninjabread Man? London Taxi: Rush Hour? Elvis: Rock and Roll Adventures?!?! Are you even trying? It's developers like you that really make the Wii's library look like a pile of crap. You weren't welcome on the PS2, and your ports sure as hell aren't welcome on the Wii. Either start putting some effort into your products or quit. Just no more Ninjabread Man!


To: Readers
Subject: Discuss this article on the forums

The comment section works, too.

The Duck Has Spoken.