The 2009 Golden Duck Awards

Just in case you forgot (Or completely missed) last year's Golden Duck Awards, here's a link to refresh (Or supplement) your memory.


Welcome, one and all, to the 2009 Golden Duck Awards! We don't have any special guests or musical performances... We don't really have much, actually. What we do have, though, are 11 all-new awards given to 11 different games in 11 different (And completely irrelevant) categories. Why 11? Because I like to go one step beyond. Now then, for this year's 2009 Golden Duck Awards!

Best Reason to Load Up on Target-Brand Ibuprofen
"I know one thing... I'm grabbin' pills."

There are many reasons to reach for a bottle of ibuprofen. Headaches, joint pains, zombie claw marks, the list goes on. Well, that last one appears to be exclusive to the Target-branded variety of the drug, at least according to Left 4 Dead 2. Also listed under the added effects exclusive to this brand: Blood stain removal, bone mending and temporary improvement of vital signs, all in an attractive bullet-proof bottle with a zombie-safe cap. Now if only they could increase the concentration. It sure is inconvenient that it takes a whole bottle for any effect to occur. Must be excellent for sales, though.

I think I'll forgive the drug's fictional shortcomings, though. It's not exactly the most pressing issue in the world of Left 4 Dead 2, with hundreds of thousands of zombies pouring out of every door, hallway and sewer. Luckily players have a few good friends on their side, fighting back against the hordes with over a dozen different weapons, including chainsaws, shotguns, assault rifles, katanas, sniper rifles, and Molotov cocktails. With five ever-changing campaigns and some of the finest enemy AI ever crafted, Left 4 Dead 2 is one hell of a zombie-killing good time. Just remember to pack your Target-brand ibuprofen, folks. It's going to be a rough trip.

Best Game With a Robotic Turtle Speed Demon on the Box

"Herf Hoorf this isn't an actual award!"

There have been many great vehicles in the history of gaming. From go-karts to jalopies, hovercrafts to biplanes, there's no shortage of vehicles in which to tear up the track, dirt, skies or sea with. It was beginning to seem as if the possibilities had been all but exhausted... Until the debut of the greatest vehicle of them all, the robotic turtle speed demon, which shall henceforth be referred to as the Tortimer Mk. II. Featuring four wheels, a grappling arm, a sandwich bar and optional passenger-side tambourine, the Tortimer Mk. II has everything you could possibly want in a vehicle... Except perhaps for seating. That may be an issue. Good thing it appears to be remote-controlled, allowing drivers to experience the action from the comfort (And safety) of their living rooms.

We should be glad that Excitebots is merely a video game, for there is no pause button in real life. You see, unlike most racers, Excitebots must occasionally be paused for the purpose of laughing at how uproariously absurd it is. Blazing down the road at over a hundred miles an hour, users will spin up poles, catapult themselves into the air, and assemble sandwiches in ways man never thought possible. Taking the tried-and-true formula of Excite Truck and cranking every aspect to 11 turned Excitebots into what is undoubtedly one of the year's craziest, strangest, and all-out best racers. All thanks in no small part to the Tortimer Mk. II. Godspeed, you magnificent robotic turtle speed demon.

Most Entertaining Method of Punching the Pineapples Out of Someone

"Are you ready? 'Cause I'm gonna put on a show."

There seem to be as many "*Blank* the *Blank* out of someone" phrases as there are people. My personal favourite, however, would have to be "Beat the pineapples out of someone". It's very difficult to do in real life (Especially living so far from pineapple-growing conditions), making me very thankful for the man(?) known as King Hippo. With a seemingly never-ending supply of fresh tropical pineapples stored in his cranium, King Hippo is like a pineapple-lover's dream come true. Me? Oh, no, I don't like to eat pineapples. Just beating them out of people.

Pineapples are but one of the many different things that can be coaxed out of people's heads in Punch-Out!!. Croissants, feathers, fish, birds, roses and much more are all contained within the skulls of opponents in Punch-Out!!, and it takes but a single uppercut to enjoy them. It's getting to that uppercut that's the hard part. Less like a fighting game and more like a puzzler, Punch-Out!!'s fights center around fast reactions and a keen eye. Each opponent has his own strengths, weaknesses and hints. Strike at the wrong time and get showered in a barrage of counter-punches, but strike at the right time and you're rewarded with a cascade of pineapples. If that's not motivation, I don't know what is!

Best Game Based on Wildlife Loose in Downtown Toronto

"A wild doe has invaded downtown Toronto and is terrorizing people!"

It was a quiet, ordinary day in downtown Toronto, when suddenly, chaos struck! Chaos in the form of... A harmless doe. A deer. A female deer. It was perhaps the city's strangest news story of the year (Tied, perhaps, with the mayor's ineptitude at ending a garbage strike. It's a long story. A long, painful story.). So what is the internet to do? Make a Flash game based on it, of course!

DEERTASE is a classically-styled RPG encapsulating the thrilling life-or-death battle faced that day. A fight of man against deer, technology against nature, human against... not-human. With naught but the standard-issue Toronto police officer equipment available, you must somehow overcome the serious, city-threatening menace that is a doe. Can you possibly succeed? And if you do emerge victorious, another challenge awaits... DEERTASE is a thrilling new saga of Flash-based entertainment, just begging to be experienced by all. Are you a bad enough dude to save the city?

Best Glorification of a Boring Factory Job

"[BOX]Life is like a box of chocolates"

I've never worked in a factory, but I imagine it's not all that fun. A week of 9-to-5 shifts of the same exact thing over and over and over. One of the most mundane of these jobs would have to be manual box assembly. Just thinking about the endless hours of folding makes me drowsy. Now, if perhaps there were some sort of challenge involved. Say, an infinitely-long sheet of paper with a grid pattern printed on it, which could be cut, folded and turned into boxes like some sort of puzzle game. If only there were such a game...

...is something I highly doubt anyone ever thought in the history of mankind. That didn't stop the fine folks at Skip Ltd. from making that very game, though, and they called it BOXLIFE. With gameplay consisting of everything I said above and nothing more, BOXLIFE is not exactly a complex game. What it is, though, is incredibly fun, and inexplicably addictive. I don't know what it is, but somewhere in this insanely skimpy design is a golden nugget of infinite replayability. Come to think of it, I don't even care what it is. All I know is that this is the best 500 points I've spent on DSiWare so far.

Best Adventure Within the Bowels of a Gigantic Turtle

"I HAVE CHORTLES!"

One of the oldest standbys of cartoons is the classic "inside the body" episode. It always begins with some cheesy method of the characters shrinking down and entering the body of another character, where they have a whole bunch of wacky adventures or learn biology or some crap like that. Whatever the case, it's tired and overdone, with every cartoon from The Magic School Bus to Spongebob Squarepants having done it. Trust Nintendo to look at this tired old story and make the one game we've all secretly desired our entire lives: A game primarily staged within the body of Bowser himself. Truly it is the game to end all games.

Joking aside, Bowser's Inside Story really is a fantastic platformer/RPG hybrid, featuring the greatest parts of the two genres of which it is composed. Classic Nintendo platforming perfected over the last two decades years and the vast and exciting world of role-playing games come together to create the greatest Mario & Luigi series game so far. The writing, battles, storyline and animation are better than ever before, which, compared to the amazing quality of the franchise up to this point, is saying quite a lot. Not only that, but the main boss of the game is probably the best one out of all bosses I've fought this year, whether or not he is, indeed, "beefless".

Best (Hopefully) Fictional Portrayal of Life in 2077

"War. War never changes."

I like to think my later years will be ones of peace, sitting on some lakeside dock and watching the boats go by. I don't like to think of them taking place in times of war, with military jets flying by, troops patrolling the streets, and warships flooding the waters. Thankfully at least one possible timeline leading to this situation is an impossibility, with events causing it having never taken place. For those of us interested in such a timeline, though, there exists the Fallout series. This alteration of history sees 2077 being a time or great strife for the world, with one of the main conflicts centered upon China's invasion of Anchorage, Alaska. This (hopefully) fictional war serves as the premise for Fallout 3: Operation Anchorage.

Upon the discovery of a virtual reality device in the post-war ruins of Washington D.C. (Do keep in mind that this is merely a fictional situation), the group that made the discovery searches long and hard for a person equipped to tackle the brutal game-within-a-game. This person, of course, if the player. What kind of game would it be if it wasn't? The simulation is no mere virtual reality adventure, though, with death having real-world consequences. That's right, folks; "If you die in the game, YOU DIE FOR REAL!". This program is a recreation of the war at Anchorage, and only by fighting their way through this historically-significant battle can the player escape it. Operation: Anchorage is a nice twist on the usual Fallout 3 formula, and it certainly helps add more to the already huge overarching storyline of the franchise. Let's just hope this particular story remains in fiction.

Best Use of Fireworks

"DYNOMIIIIIITE"

Fireworks are always one of the best parts of any major celebration. The bright lights, the vibrant colours, and of course, the loud crack of the explosions. It's bright, pretty and ear-splittingly loud. There's something in it for everybody... Well, except for the shoot 'em up fans, that is. Fireworks are nice, but they lack the action and excitement of games like Xevious, Nanostray and Gradius. And while games like Xevious, Nanostray and Gradius are nice, they lack the Summertime thrills of fireworks. Fireworks are just begging to be put into a shoot 'em up. Begging I say!

Well, the Roman candles need beg no longer, thanks to a little game known as Big Bang Mini. It's the same basic shoot 'em up we've all been playing for years, but with an explosive twist. Forget about rockets and missiles and Photon torpedoes. Nah, the real firepower's in a firecracker. It's all the greatness of classic shoot 'em ups with the wonders of fireworks. Seriously, what more could you want?

Best Game Featuring a Rooster Hat in a Leading Role

"Buck buck bu-gawk!"

Hats are only recently getting the attention they so dearly deserve. Mario's been wearing a hat since day one, but nobody truly appreciates it. Valve noticed the lack of love for hats, and added them to Team Fortress 2 earlier this year. While it was a good step, there just wasn't a rooster hat. They were on the right track with the Pyro's Respectless Rubber Glove, but they stopped just short of paying respect to the hat that deserves it most. It wasn't until Scribblenauts debuted two months later that the rooster hat finally got its break-out role. Simple, elegant, presumably floppy. Clearly it is the hat of the gods!

Also of the gods is the core concept of Scribblenauts. The game's tagline is "Write Anything, Solve Everything", and it just about delivers on both accounts. Not everything can be written (What, no Dromiceiomimus? Well, crap, there goes my Dinosaur Comics reunion!), and some puzzles are so punishingly hard they may as well be impossible, but the game does, in general, pull off what it was advertised to do... If the crummy controls don't result in that marvelous rooster hat plummeting off a cliff. So sure, it's not a perfect game, but dammit, it finally gives the lord of all hats the exposure it deserves!

Best Head-On Collisions

"Vroom vroom, quack quack"

People love car crashes. It's some sort of morbid fascination built into the human mind that, whenever there's a car accident, we just have to go look at it. Just yesterday I saw a white car halfway through the front wall of a dental office while I was riding the bus, and everyone else turned to look. There's just something within a human that makes them need to see these things. What could be better than seeing a car wreck? How about playing a video game where one of the main objectives is to create them? That's exactly what some developers thought years ago, and lo, the Burnout franchise was born.

2008 brought us Burnout Paradise and a few expansions, with 2009 bringing all of those goodies wrapped up in one nice little package. The best package. The Ultimate Box, you could call it. It's all the car-wrecking goodness wrapped up in one convenient disc! With an extensive online mode, a huge virtual city to drive in and more cars than any dealership I've seen, there's no end to the various ways, places and vehicles in which you can get your crunch on. Pack your roll cages and fasten your seatbelts, folks. It's going to be bumpy ride.

Most Wanton Wontons

"Hello, City Wok, may I take your order please?"

Next time you order Chinese food from your local Chinese restaurant, look that delivery man a little closer in the eye. Look out for anything suspicious, because you never know. You local Wok On The Wild Side could very well be a front for the mafia. If that turns out to be the case, what will you do? You could call the police, notify the FBI or, if it comes to it... Order pizza instead. It's a last resort, but sometimes it just has to be done!

In Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars, the situation above is a reality, but it's okay, because you're on the side with the guns and explosions! Far better than the cold chicken balls and lumpy fried rice, believe me. Chinatown Wars brings the winning Grand Theft Auto formula to the DS for the first time ever, meshing together the gigantic world of Grand Theft Auto IV with the birds-eye view perspective of the original game. It's truly amazing how much they managed to squeeze onto that little game card, and it's a huge shame that so few people got to enjoy it. Come on, people! There's a mission where you play as one of those big Chinese dragons you see in parades. If that's not worth the $20 sticker price, nothing is!

And so ends this year's 11 all-new Golden Duck Awards... But wait, there's more! Notice I said there were 11 new categories... I never said there couldn't be an oldie coming back for one more go! And so, without further delay...

Best Way to Beat the Crap Out of Your Friends Without Getting the Police Involved

"Let's-a go!"

Super Smash Bros. Brawl now hands the legal assault-granting torch to this year's Nintendo masterpiece, New Super Mario Bros. Wii. Four-player Mario platforming... Even someone completely unfamiliar with the game should know what kind of chaos such a concept can bring. Oh, the satisfaction of tossing your whiny sibling into a never ending pit. The joys of leaving that annoying family friend to die in the fires of Bowser's castle. And the best part is that it's perfectly legal! If this isn't the best Wii game of the year, nothing is!

...well, I suppose I can't say that just yet. I'll admit, I've only played the first couple worlds of this game, but what I did play was fantastic... And frantic. I still can't decide if it was a good idea for my initial exposure to this game to be in four-person multiplayer. Whatever the case, it was a complete blast, and I'm very much hoping to find it beneath the Christmas tree tomorrow. And if I don't... IF I DON'T GET THIS GAME FOR CHRISTMAS I'LL... I'LL... Eh, I guess I'll play something else.

So ends this year's Golden Duck Awards... For real this time. Another 12 useless, meaningless, overly-specific trophies have been handed out to another 12 more-than-worthy games. That makes 20 total Golden Duck Award recipients. Quite the exclusive group, don't you think? Not a very prestigious group, but certainly exclusive. Do you have any random, pointless awards to bestow upon 2009's finest games? Feel free to have your own merry little awards ceremony in the comment section, or in this forum thread.

Left 4 Dead review

Here it is, as promised (Although slightly later than expected): The first full-fledged video game review since September. Also, for any who may be wondering, the PC and Xbox 360 versions of the game are nearly identical, so you'll get the same experience either way.

Platforms: PC, Xbox 360
Developers: Valve (PC), Certain Affinity (360)
Publisher: Valve
Release Date: November 18th, 2008
ESRB Rating: M for Mature
ESRB Notes: Blood and Gore, Intense Violence, Language

Ever since the first zombie film was unleashed upon the world back in 1932 (Yes, it's been that long), the living dead have infected every form of media imaginable, from books, comics and TV shows, and all the way up the technological ladder to video games. With most zombie games, there's one player, on their own, against hundreds of thousands of generic zombies. Leave it to Valve to shake it all up and drop Left 4 Dead in our laps.

In Left 4 Dead, it's still you against the horde of the undead, but this time you're not alone. After the mass-infection that lead to the zombie onslaught, four average folks grouped together and began to fight their way out. The four survivors are Zoey, an angsty teenager; Louis, a store manager; Francis, a biker; and Bill, a Vietnam veteran. All equal in capabilities, nothing sets these four apart in terms of gameplay. It's more a matter of choosing the one that suits you best. Personally, I usually go with Francis or Louis; for the former, it's the pessimistic comments; for the latter, it's the extreme air of nerdiness.

Zoey, Louis, Francis and Bill in the "poster" for the game's third campaign

The zombies have been changed up a bit, too. First off, as I suggested above with the word "infection", these aren't technically zombies. These are humans afflicted with a terrible new virus strain (This game's release timing is either great or awful, I can't tell). Instead of rising from the dead to eat flesh and brains for no apparent reason, these humans are suffering from Rabies-like symptoms, basically leading them to go absolutely freaking mad and undergo a few physical changes (Claws, pale skin and glowing eyes are the major changes). Based on the fact that the "zombies" never seem to attack each other, one could assume that the virus targets the healthy in order to propagate its species. I'm probably looking a little too far into it at this point, but hey, speculation is fun.

Aside from your generic, Land of the Dead-like infected (The commonly accepted name for the "zombies" in Left 4 Dead), there's five "special" infected, another welcome change to the generic hordes of days gone by. Oh, Valve and their class-based multiplayer games... The "special" infected are as follows:

Boomer: Bloated and swollen to the point where it no longer resembles the human it once was, the Boomer is chock full of a disgusting concoction known simply as "bile". This is no ordinary vomit, though. Get this stuff on you, and not only will you be temporarily blinded, but dozens of infected will basically spring out of thin air and go for you. Boomers can "spread the love" either by projectile vomiting (And when I say projectile, I mean it) or via the gigantic explosion that always accompanies their deaths. Contents under pressure? An understatement.

Hunter: Next up in this horrific menagerie, and sporting a fashionable grey hoodie, is the Hunter. Leaping into the fray (Sometimes seemingly from outer space), the Hunter has the ability to pin a survivor and savagely tear away at it with his claws. Accompanied by low growling and piercing shrieks, the Hunter's often-sudden appearances are definitely one of the scariest parts of the game. As a threat, though, I don't personally consider him too notable. On the mid to lower difficulty levels, a few short bursts from an automatic weapons is enough to at least knock him off, if not kill him. Can be devastating on a survivor that's strayed from the pack, though, emphasizing the team-based play of the game.

Smoker: Identified by his coughs, swollen face and incredibly long tongue, the Smoker is the third stop on this infected bus ride of a lineup. Limping about and coughing up a lung, the Smoker doesn't sound like much of a threat, mainly because, up close, he isn't. Once he puts a bit of distance between him and his target, though, things get dangerous. That long tongue isn't just for looks; The Smoker can fire it at long distances, chameleon-style, to grab a hold of its prey. Once captured, he reels in his tongue and tears away at it with his claws. At this point, the survivor can do nothing to escape, and must be saved by an ally, once again highlighting how important teamwork is to survival.

Tank: Behold the Tank, who makes the Boomer look downright normally-proportioned by comparison. Absolutely bursting with muscles (Almost literally, in fact) and devoid of even a shred of clothing (Save the mercifully-intact jeans), the Tank is by far the strongest and hardest to defeat of all infected. It's going to take everything the survivors have to tear down this brick wall. Unlike normal brick walls, though, the Tank has fists and can move. Even brick walls tremble in fear of the Tank. Strong enough to bat around cars like toys, rip up and throw huge chunks of concrete and send survivors on unexpected long-haul flights, the Tank is the one true "boss" infected.

Those are the four infected that pop up most often, but there is a fifth one. Elusive, deadly, and entirely immobile until you piss it off. As if Paris Hilton didn't give us enough to fear about rail-thin blondes, Left 4 Dead brings us...


...the Witch. She's not magical, nor does she ride anything even remotely resembling a broom, but Witch is still definitely the best possible name for her. She sits perfectly still, weeping, and will do nothing to hurt anyone... So long as you don't set her off. One stray bullet, one wayward step, one errant twitch, and kablooie! Startle this witch, and she'll cast one heck of a painful spell on you with her insanely-huge claws. One hit is generally enough to knock a person down to the ground, and a few more can easily finish someone off. If she does manage to kill someone, though, she'll just run off and not be a problem anymore. Every cloud has its silver lining! She has twice as much health as either a Smoker or a Hunter (Even more in harder difficulty settings), making her the second most difficult to kill of the infected (Second only to the Tank, of course). Usually, when a Witch is spotted, it's best to just keep walking and leave it alone. An enemy you're encouraged not to attack... I never thought such a thing would work, but here it is.

The objective of any level is to either get to the next safe house to continue the campaign, or, in the last level of the campaign, be rescued. Many obstacles are thrown at the survivors through the course of each level, each of which must be overcome to reach the ultimate goal of safety. Almost every level has some sort of button-triggered event that will clear the path, but not without alarming every infected in the country to your location. The infected are attracted to loud noises, two words that basically define every single obstacle in the game. From lowering a forklift's arm to bring down a makeshift walkway to using a runaway train to take out a bridge, the survivor's trip through the land of the infected isn't exactly a quiet one. Triggering car alarms also causes the game to hurl the infected at you, as does walking through an airport metal detector (Hint: Guns aren't made of wood). Thankfully, the infected can't set off either on their own, lightly throwing a bone to the survivors.

The final level of a campaign is referred to as a finale, and rightly so. Like the quickened pace of the flying fireworks at the end of a 4th of July celebration, infected pour in from every direction to make your life a living Hell. So considerate, those infected. It's not just the generic horde that will be bombarding you, though. Rest assured that plenty of Tanks, Boomers, Hunters and Smokers will be dropping by to say hello as well. Huddling together in a nice little safe haven is nice, but it's not going to do you any good once rescue arrives. Once they show up, it's a mad dash through walls of infected to your once chance at salvation. Of course, after surviving the long wait for rescue to arrive, the game's not about to let you just waltz up to freedom. Infected of all kinds pour in from all directions in absurd numbers, because your day just isn't complete without seeing another thousand zombie chunks flying around. Manage to make it out, though, and that's the end of it all... Until you decide to start up the next, alternate-timeline campaign that sees the survivors right back where they started.

In most games, after a few playthroughs, you begin to remember where all the weapons are and where the bosses lie. However, this isn't "most games". Left 4 Dead contains what Valve likes to call the "AI Director", a system that distributes weapons and the infected differently each time according to the condition of the survivors. While significant obstacles will always be in the same place, no round of Left 4 Dead is every truly the same. Tanks may appear in different places, or not appear at all. Instead of one Witch to deal with, two might appear right next to each other. The AI Director makes sure that players never know just what to expect, keeping even the most seasoned of veterans on their toes.

Of course, while the AI director makes each run different, eventually the same old levels do become stale. Thankfully, Valve seems to be keeping up the same stream of free additional content for Left 4 Dead they've been providing for Team Fortress 2, adding the Survival mode detailed below just last month. While little has been announced so far, rest assured that more will be on the way, perhaps even going so far as to add entire new campaigns to the mix. It just wouldn't be a Valve game without this sort of support.

To fight their way out of this Hell on Earth, the survivors have more than their fair share of weaponry. At the beginning of any campaign, each survivor is outfitted with one pistol (Unlimited ammo), and can pick up their choice of a submachine gun (Uzi) or a pump-action shotgun. Later on in a campaign (Sometimes hidden in a side room or some other place where it may be easily missed), improved weaponry can be found in the form of assault rifles, automatic shotguns, a second pistol (For dual-wielding) and a scoped hunting rifle. Again emphasizing the teamwork aspect of the game, teams generally benefit from a variety of weaponry among the group. Nobody's going to be getting very far with everyone toting a hunting rifle.

Two types of health items are also available to the player: Health kits and pain pills. Health kits, of which there's always four available at the beginning of a campaign, restore a major chunk of a survivor's health when used. The major downside, though, is finding a good place to use it. It takes about five seconds to heal with a heath kit, during which you're completely vulnerable to attacking infected (And friendly fire. Francis, check your fire!). If interrupted in the middle of healing, one must start all over again. No healing halfway, running, and finishing up. It's all at once or not at all. It should go without saying that, if you're about to patch yourself up, you're going to need to rely on your allies for cover. Survivors can also use health kits at each other, but this is even more risky than using their own; Both are rooted in place until the healing is complete. On the bright side, the one being healed can provide covering fire during the process, meaning one isn't completely helpless during an attack. They sure do make great Boomer targets, though...

Pain pills can also restore a fair-sized chunk of a player's health, but it's a temporary effect. The health it restores constantly depletes until the recovered stamina is completely gone, leaving players right back where they started. This descent is sped up when receiving damage. Also, pain pills are never found in the beginning of a level, and must be picked up throughout the trek to the next safe house. Pain pills do have their benefits over health kits, though. Popping some pills is practically instant, leaving you prone for a far smaller amount of time than patching yourself up. Also, unlike health kits, pain pills can be handed over to allies, giving them the ability to heal up whenever they want.

Both pills and health kits are available only in incredibly limited supply, so they must be used wisely. Quite often, the health kits available at the beginning of the levels are the only ones in the whole map (The AI director likes shuffling things around, you see).

Guns and health items aren't all the survivor's have at their disposal. Also available are pipe bombs and Molotov cocktails, although in a far more limited supply. Pipe bombs, as illustrated in the game's opening cinematic, will attract all common infected in the area up to the moment it explodes, turning them all into a glorious red mist*. Molotov cocktails don't explode, but they do cover the ground in flames over a fairly generous area. A great defense considering how vulnerable the infected are to fire. In addition, scattered about the levels are propane tanks, jerrycans and oxygen tanks. Propane and oxygen tanks explode much like the pipe bomb, and jerrycans spread a field of fire similar to that of the Molotov cocktail. All items can be carried around and thrown or dropped when wanted for strategic placement.

A final environmental weapon available to players is a mounted minigun, of which there are only a handful. Firing out 40 incredibly-powerful rounds a second with a limitless supply of ammunition, the minigun is definitely a good weapon to have access to. Holding it back is an incredibly limited radius in which it can turn, and the cloud of smoke that pops up after a few seconds of firing sure doesn't help, either. These facts aside, the minigun is still a magnificent asset for holding off the infected for a short while... As long as they stay in view.

Something that must be monitored closely when in the field is ammunition stock. Each player can only hold so much, and once it's gone, you're not going to be finding much more of it until you reach the next safe house (Why the game doesn't allow sharing ammo among survivors is a mystery to me). While the trusty pistol never runs out of ammo, it's not exactly a powerhouse of destruction. Rome wasn't built in a day, and that Tank wasn't felled by a piddly little pistol.

Of course, ammunition conservation means little to the game's AI. Whereas, ideally, a team should fire equal amounts to help prevent ammo from running out too quickly, the AI always relies on the player to take point. This can lead to some big problems, one of which is illustrated in the below screenshot. To scout ahead, I hopped up on an air vent and onto the top of the roof access room of this building, when a Hunter came out of nowhere (Like always) and pinned me. So did the AI jump up the air vent like I did and come to my rescue? Nope. They just milled about, mere meters away, jumping around like a bunch of morons, seemingly awaiting the sound of my death rattle. AI units are not credit to team.

"Oh, don't mind me. You guys enjoy your tea party while I have my throat ripped out, okay?"

The letdown of the sometimes moronic AI is taken care of by Left 4 Dead's greatest asset: Online multiplayer. Screwing around offline can be fun, sure, but the game doesn't really get going until you take the plunge into the game's online component. As of this writing, there are three different modes available to be played online: Campaign, Versus and Survival. Campaign is the same as offline play (With all four survivors being player-controlled), so that begs no explanation. Versus and Survival, though, are where things get interesting.

Versus, as the name suggests, can only be played online. As far as the survivors are concerned, Versus is exactly the same as Campaign; Run to the safe house, and ultimately to rescue. The twist, however, is that the infected are not AI-controlled. And thus is the main reason Versus is my favourite mode in the game: We can play as the special infected.

As most would hopefully assume, the infected play very little like the survivors. Last I checked, Bill couldn't projectile vomit on a target 20 feet away. You never know with those army vets, though... Anyways, taking advantage of all the abilities available to the infected is the highlight of the game for me. Binding together with three other survivors is great fun, too, but nothing compares to a coordinated attack with Boomers booming and Hunters hunting while I stand on top of a building and grab stragglers with the Smoker's tongue and pull them away from their allies.

One additional ability the infected have over the survivor's is the ability to climb up what some refer to as "zombie ladders". Marked by the image of hands climbing, zombie ladders are commonly placed on map features such as fences, rock walls and drain pipes. Allowing access to tactically superior angles, the zombie ladders help balance out the infecteds' greatest weakness: Their incredibly low health. Like I said way back near the beginning of the review, it takes only a few shotgun blasts to tear a Hunter away from its pray, with Smoker's having similar amounts of health. Boomers have even less health, with one blast usually being enough to set off the bloated time bomb (Making the Boomer an excellent suicide runner, but incredibly weak in any other situation). No amount of strategy at street level is going to keep any of the three infected alive and killing for long. Spawn high, and spawn sneakily!

Left 4 Dead multiplayer: Turkey nipple frequency may vary

Helping to keep things fair, the special infected never outnumber the survivors, as it's never more than four on four; Four survivors Versus four special infected. If there's less than four players on the survivor's side, the remaining will be controlled by the computer. If the same thing happens with the infected side, AI won't take the helm, but respawn times will be greatly shortened. Yes, unlike the survivors, the special infected don't stay dead when killed, and just respawn about 20 seconds later. When you die as a survivor, though (An incredibly ironic sentence fragment, no?), you're dead, and you stay dead until the end of the round. Pretty good incentive not to die, huh? Generally the game's practically over once even a single survivor dies, putting teamwork on the front burner yet again. Even then, I've seen the remaining three survive despite my best efforts at tearing them to shreds. It's like the old saying goes: It ain't over until the Boomer projectile vomits. Or something like that.

After hearing this, you're probably pretty excited to play as the Tank and the Witch, huh? Well, I've got good news and bad news: The Tank only spawns in certain places (Like in Campaign mode), and the Witch can't be played at all (Quick refresher on the Witch: She's sliiiiiightly overpowered).

Playing as the Tank is a somewhat unique experience. In order to help with balance and keep the game from absolutely sucking if a player pointlessly abandons their computer mid-game (A phenomenon known as "AFK", or "Away From Keyboard". A phenomenon which I hate.), players will lose control of the Tank if they don't constantly attack and knock survivors around like deflated soccer balls. If this happens, control shifts to the next player on the team, letting them have a go at Left 4 Dead's take on extreme sports.

A round ends when one of two things happen: When all survivors (Minus any that may have died) make it into the safe house, or when all survivors fall to the infected. After a round ends, teams switch (Infected players become survivors, and vice versa), and the level is played again. After both teams have their go at the level as both sides, the next level in the campaign is selected, and it continues from there. Basically, Versus mode is Campaign mode, but both sides are player controlled, and it's even better.

The other mode, Survival, may seem a little redundant in name. After all, isn't the object of the entire game (Excluding half of Versus) to make it out alive? Actually, that's where Survival differs from the rest; the object isn't to make it out alive. In fact, nobody ever will make it out alive. The object is to just survive as long as you possibly can against unending hordes of the infected. Except for Witches, infected of all kinds are constantly bombarding the survivors, and all the quartet can do is delay their inevitable demise. Stages are pulled from various levels in Campaign mode, as well as one exclusive to Survival mode: The Last Stand (The level's "poster" can be found next to this paragraph). This campaign's tagline perfectly describes Survival mode as a whole: "It doesn't end well".

In Survival mode, players can only play as survivors (Which should go without saying, but I'm tossing it out there just in case). They have an infinite time to set up before hand, as a round doesn't start until the players trigger it. Once begun, though... It never ends until you do. Rounds commonly end in less than four minutes, with few players ever making it past ten (Even Valve employees often fail to reach this lofty goal). Survival is certainly the most brutal mode of all, and only the utmost of skill, planning and teamwork will see the players survive for any significant amount of time.

Something that always amazes me about Valve games is how they look. Whether taking a more unique art style like in Team Fortress 2 or going for the realistic look in the Half-Life series, they always manage to hit the nail of quality right on the head without pounding it too deep into the plank of high-end computing**. Left 4 Dead is no exception to this trend, with the game looking simply amazing without putting a major drain on my mid-range PC. Outdated graphics card, processor, CPU... You name it, I've got a primitive version of it in this computer. Grand Theft Auto 4 skips more than a CD after sliding across pavement, Fallout 3 looks like a nuke hit my monitor as well, and Mirror's Edge's sparkling in-game world sure looks a lot less "sparkling" than it should. With Left 4 Dead, though, I can crank all settings up to full, run it at my native 1024x768 resolution (My monitor's not too great, either) and experience a game that looks far better than the aforementioned trio of resource vampires, yet runs like a dream. I don't know how you do it, Valve, but keep it up!

The sparse and faint lighting in Left 4 Dead provides just enough to see where you need to go, without blinding you with its "next gen" bloom and crap. Cinematic filters dramatize shadows and fade colours to give a movie-like effect similar to what you'd see in a film like The Watchmen. On the left is a comparison of the game with (Above) and without (Below) cinematic effects. The difference is drastic, yet takes up far fewer computer resources than you'd expect. An additional graphical option is film grain, to add that one last final cinematic touch. Not quite my cup of tea (As you can tell by the two screenshots I posted above), but the option is great. It really goes to show how much Valve wanted to make a tribute to the realm of zombie cinema.

Of course, a bunch of fancy filters won't do crap for a game if it looks terrible without them. Thankfully, Left 4 Dead provides great material for the filter to improve upon, with excellent character models, environmental props and textures. Animations are also great, with injured players limping (And moving slightly slower), realistic flames stretching across the ground from a gas tank bursting, and incredibly expressive characters. There are a few rough spots texture-wise in the far-off places the special infected can go via zombie ladders, but besides that, Left 4 Dead is an all-round great-looking game.

Audio plays a major part in Left 4 Dead. Growling, screaming, gurgling, crying and more all faintly come into earshot when the infected approach; musical scores build up to a crescendo in tense situations and finales; and the back and forth commentary between the survivors is worthy of the cheesiest of zombie film scripts. Perhaps the most tense moments come when nothing can be heard. Dead silence, except for the whirring of machinery or whistling of the wind. Left 4 Dead expertly uses both presence and absence of sound to create a engrossing and sometimes scary experience.


Valve has very few franchises in their name. Team Fortress, Half-Life, Portal and Counter-Strike are the only four they can fully claim as theirs. I like to think they do so because they only take on projects that they truly feel can turn out great. If that's the case, their feelings were right on the money when they went forward with Left 4 Dead. A worthy addition to Valve's small but excellent portfolio, Left 4 Dead is a fantastic, zombie-filled adventure that manages to provide a satisfying gameplay experience without having to become overly complicated. Looking back at all the games I've played that were released in the last twelve months, Left 4 Dead is definitely within the top three. If you like hordes of zombies, strategic shooters and team-based gaming, you're going to love Left 4 Dead.

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*In fact, just about every game mechanic can be explained by watching that video, but I figured I'd write it all out and be, you know, a reviewer.

**Dang. I'm like a graphics poet or something.

Shouldn't downloaded games be cheaper than retail?

Just a short little thought I need to get out


I went on a bit of a shopping spree on Saturday, with Left 4 Dead being one of the main reasons for the trip. However, there were no copies in stock, so I couldn't get it. I thought "Well, maybe I'll just download it off Steam instead". So I get home, look it up on the Steam Store, and... It costs $50 to download the game? But it would've cost me $50 to buy it in a store! Why download it here when I can just go find it in another store for the same price and get a box, booklet, and a physical copy of it for the same price? Seriously, the downloadable version of the game costs practically nothing to produce, as opposed to the physical material and shipping expenses of the game we can buy in a store. In my opinion, downloadable games should cost at least 25% less than the retail copy. Server fees aside, each download of a game costs the seller absolutely nothing. The lower cost of distribution should be reflected in the price the buyer pays. It's ironic, really, considering Valve president and founder Gabe Newell himself has recently been quoted saying that games are too expensive nowadays. Start practicing what you preach, Mr. Newell. And no, a limited-time-only, 50%-off sale doesn't count.

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Rant: I hate time-limited demos

Warning: Upcoming mini-rant

Today I downloaded the demo for Burnout Paradise: The Ultimate Box for a bit of fun. Of course, I expected "a bit" to be more than "thirty minutes".

When I play a demo, I want to have adequate time to explore and get a good feel for the game. I like to take my time looking around, checking things out, and basically exploring the area. I don't want to be rushed through it by an insanely short and constricting time limit. I'd rather be given a small chunk of the city with a handful of races and unlimited time to explore than have the whole shebang and a minuscule amount of time to check it out.

I don't see why any developer would decide that a timed demo is better than a content-limited one. While downloading the demo, I thought "Hey, I can give some impressions on this demo tonight" Not with only 30 minutes of gameplay I can't! It took me that long just to settle into the bizarre controls!*

On the other hand, I also downloaded the demo for Crysis today (I was bored, you see). Unlike Burnout Paradise, the Crysis demo offered unlimited play time to complete a portion of the game. In this time I got to get a real feel for the controls, do a bit of exploring, and kill a whole lot of bad guys. I actually had the time to understand what Crysis was about and form an opinion on whether or not I should buy it down the line (Short answer: Nah). Crysis' demo was how all game demos should be.

So then, I ask you, game developers: Why with the timed demos? It doesn't make much sense to me no matter how I twist it. Okay, fine, so some people might just play the demo forever if it's a small bit of the game without any time limit. A bigger problem, though, is distributing the entire product with a time limit, because you just know someone's gonna hack that within days of it becoming available. Then, instead of losing a few sales on folks that are content playing the same level a billion times, you end up with thousands of pirated, cracked-open copies floating all over the internet. Which sounds worse to you?

The above? Just something I had to say. Timed demos have always gotten on my nerves, but usually it's just little indie developers that pull that, not the big guys. If you plop the entire big-name game on my hard drive yet only let me play it for half an hour, I get a little cheesed off. I spent over half an hour downloading this 3GB+ game, so I feel entitled to more than the piddly little taste you gave me. Yes, I know that demos are free, but as the old saying goes, time is money. I spent time downloading this game. Call me foolish for expecting the game to spend a little time on me.

*A to accelerate? Z to brake? What the hell?

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Brainstorming possible Team Fortress 2 class packs

All the below headers were made from screenshots shamelessly pilfered from this post over on PlayerzBlog.com. For some reason my screenshots of the class select screen didn't work, so I turned to Google for an easy way out. It is my way. Please don't kill me, PlayerzBlog.com staff!


Any day now, we'll be getting our hands on the new weapons and achievements for the Scout in Team Fortress 2. My intense anticipation for this has really sent my imagination into overdrive, with a whole bunch of future weapons and achievements beginning to surface in my mind. So, rather than wait for the updates to actually surface making it too late for speculation, here are some things I've thought up for upcoming class packs.


After the Scout, it looks like our mysterious European friend will be receiving the next class pack. Unarguably the most complex of all the nine classes, updating the Spy will be no small task. Nonetheless, I have thought up one new weapon for our international man of mystery.

My idea is The Whittler. It's a far smaller alternative to the Butterfly Knife, and unlike its infamous older brother, The Whittler can NOT backstab. However, it has one distinct advantage over all of the Spy's weapons: It works when cloaked, and won't break your disguise if used undercover. This is great if you see some ignited enemy retreating while you skulk around his base. You just know his health has to be low. So you trigger your cloak, sneak up while he's distracted by the flames, and finish him off with a quick slice. Then simply sneak away, undetected, with no evidence of your presence except the misplaced corpse. The Whittler would help make the Spy more of a team player and less of a lone wolf, reflecting the word "Team" in the game's title.

Of course, to go along with this new weapon, you'll need some achievements to unlock it. Here are a few I thought up:

Thanks For Keeping Your Back Still: Backstab 15 snipers while they're looking through the scope of their rifle
Secret Agent Man: Sneak into an enemy base, grab the intelligence, and successfully bring it back to your base without dying.
FYI I Am A Spy: Backstab an enemy Medic that has healed you in the current life.
Sneaky Medicine: Have a total of 10,000 health points healed by enemy Medics and dispensers.
Malpractice: While disguised as a Medic, backstab an enemy that is calling for a Medic.
Is Anyone Keeping Track Of My Idiots Killed? Stab!: Backstab five enemy Scouts in one life
Deconstructive Reconnaissance: Sap and destroy ten enemy buildings in one life
Lunch Break: Backstab an enemy Heavy that's eating a Sandvich


The Soldier's one of the most formidable foes on the battlefield, but his slow rockets and inaccurate shotgun make him practically useless at long range. To help better balance this army vet, I propose Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie Maggot Killing Rocket Thingy (Or IBTWMKRT for short...ish). The IBTWMKRT would fire much smaller and weaker rockets than the standard rocket launcher, but they would be twice as fast as those chunky slowpokes of the battlefield (And I'm not talking about the Heavy). Also, rocket jumps would only go up half as high with the IBTWMKRT.

Another suggestion I have is an Assault Rifle to replace his Shotgun. I play as Soldier more than any other class, but I can never make much effective use of the Shotgun. It's far too close range for my play style, and when I do find myself face to face with an enemy I can never manage to hit the bugger. So, instead of a Shotgun with a six-round clip with an incredibly slow firing rate, I'm proposing an Assault Rifle with a 20-30 rounds clip and a rapid firing rate. Of course, everything has its downside, and the Assault Rifle's troubles lie in strength and accuracy. Each round does a far smaller amount of damage than the Shotgun, instead being somewhere just above the Sniper's SMG. Also, its accuracy makes it even less useful at long range than the Shotgun. Still, it's far more handy in those tense combat situations where your enemies are too close, numerous and erratic to choose a good target without killing yourself. Just fire away and hope you hurt something!

With all updates must come new achievements, so here are a few I thought up for the Soldier:

Bullet-Time For A Photo-Op: Fire a rocket, then taunt while the rocket impacts and kills an enemy
Gravedigger: Kill 5 enemies with your shovel
I Don't Call Shotgun: Use the Assault Rifle to kill an enemy Soldier wielding the Shotgun
King of Spades: Kill 15 enemies with your shovel
Blast Off: Kill an enemy with the splash damage from a rocket jump


The Engineer sadly looks to be the last class that will be receiving an update, but that doesn't mean we can't speculate. All over the internet people comically refer to the phrases "Spy's sapping my Sentry!" and "Spy's sapping my Dispenser!". After all, these two buildings commonly go hand-in-hand. Now, what if that were to be taken one step further?

What I'm proposing is a Sentry-Dispenser hybrid, a... Dispentry, if you will. The Dispentry would replace both the Sentry and Dispenser on the build menu, lowering the engineer's selectable buildings to three from four. The Dispenser part of the Dispentry would supply the Sentry half with metal, always replenishing its supply of ammunition as it's used. Of course, this would mean that the Dispentry would distribute metal to allies at a lower rate, making it less useful on the front lines. Also limiting its effectiveness in the thick of the battle would be the fact that the Dispentry can only be upgraded to level 2, slightly increasing the firepower of the Sentry and the metal distribution rate of the Dispenser.

The bright side to all of this, in addition to the aforementioned Sentry ammunition supply, would be that the Dispentry would have an incredibly high HP, more than that of a level 2 Sentry and a level 2 Dispenser combined when upgraded. Also, it takes two sappers to destroy a Dispentry, one for each half. If the enemy Spy can only reach one half of the Dispentry, only that part of it will be disabled, and it will not take damage. If, for example, the Spy saps the Dispenser part but not the Sentry, the Dispentry would cease to distribute ammunition to the Sentry as well as metal and health to allies, but the Sentry half would remain fully operational. One downside to this is that the Engineer would also need to have access to both ends of the Dispentry in order to destroy the attached sappers. A lot of thought has to go into placing this! The intended purpose of the Dispentry would be to allow the Engineer to leave his buildings alone more confidently, going elsewhere to repair his Teleporter entrances and exits, as well as help out elsewhere in the battle. Of course, the Engineer isn't all that helpful when it comes to person-to-person combat, but hey, maybe one of the other unlockables would help balance that out a bit.

Of course, we can't leave this good ol' boy out of the achievement-farming goodness, so here's a few achievement ideas for the Engineer:

Preventative Maintenance: Kill 20 disguised enemy spies
No Boom For You: Destroy 50 sticky bombs within damage-inflicting distance of your buildings
Close Call, Pardner: Whack a building with your wrench within a second of it receiving damage that would have otherwise destroyed it
Worth Celebrating: Get a kill with your Sentry/Dispentry while dancing
Amateur Marksman: Kill an enemy Sniper with your Pistol
Sneaking In The Back Way: Build a Teleporter exit in the enemy's base
Makeshift Elevator: Suspend an enemy in mid-air with your Sentry's rapid-fire bullets.

So then, that's three new weapons and a new building. Not bad for a bit of brainstorming here and there, huh? What do you think of my ideas? Also, what are some unlockables you've thought up, if any? Let the world know in the comments section, or in this forum thread!

...maggots!

Hypothetical sequels that need to become reality

After much hoping, begging and praying, we finally get word that Boom Blox 2 is, indeed, coming our way. Honestly, while I was wanting it so dearly, I never thought it would actually come to be. I thought that Boom Blox would just be another one of those brilliant games that never turns into a franchise. With this sequel to a fantastic game finally realized, it made me think of some other deserving titles and franchises sorely in need of a not-even-hinted-at follow-up.

First up is my often-discussed sequel to that wonderful Gamecube launch title, Luigi's Mansion. Looking back at the controls and gameplay of Luigi's Mansion, it's a perfect fit for the Wii. Aiming the Poultergust with the Wii remote's pointer, turning on the spectral vacuum with the A button, all the while moving about with the analog stick. Luigi's Mansion 2 is probably my most-wanted of all hypothetical sequels, and if I don't get word on its existance soon, I'll begin sacrificing vacuums to the gaming gods.

Can we at least get a New Play Control version?

Another game in need of a sequel would have to be Warcraft III. Yes, Warcraft III. Not World of Warcraft. We need a true Warcraft IV, with good ol' RTS action in place of this monotonous grinding MMORPG that seems to have taken everyone hostage. Technology has advanced greatly since the days of Warcraft III (Released over six and a half years ago), meaning so much more could be done in this hypothetical Warcraft IV. Genre-redefining features could come into play, revitalizing the RTS world that has been stagnating somewhat over the past few years. The possibilities within a Warcraft IV are just mind-blowing, and, if Activision Blizzard can manage to pull its money-soaked head from its ass, they'll see the potential and get cracking on the true follow-up to this series.

See this, Blizzard? Make a sequel to this.

The next franchise I'd like to bring attention to is one that hasn't been discussed here in a while, and that's Jak & Daxter. With amazing adventures, great level design and witty writing, it's definitely one of my favourite franchises. However, despite total sales amounting to nearly ten million units, Naughty Dog has, for some reason, not seen fit to make Jak 4. The ending of Jak 3 was a perfect lead-in to a prequel/sequel (Hard to explain; You'd have to play it to understand), yet here we are, over four years passed the third installment's release, and not even a peep on the much-needed fourth edition of the main series. Seriously, the potential in Jak 4 is so great that it would, quite seriously, make me buy a Playstation 3 if it were to be released.

Uncharted's fine and dandy, but give me a Jak IV! All these
fan-made mock-ups are starting to hurt!

If there's one thing Sonic Team's proven to us over the years, it's that a well-known and beloved franchise can, indeed, be dragged through the mud long enough to make it unrecognizable and devoid of entertainment. If there's one thing Dimps has proven, though, is that said franchise can be successfully revitalized in the right hands. Such is the case with the Sonic Rush series, bravely and competently carrying on while the Blue Blur's console adventures continue to scrap the bottom of the septic tank. Or rather, it was the case, up until the series all but disappeared with the release of the second title, Sonic Rush Adventure, back in 2007. Since then we've heard nothing of the well-deserved third iteration of this diamond in the rough, with the Nintendo DS instead being subjected to a bizarre RPG branching-off made by the more-than-capable BioWare in the form of Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood. As if Sonic is a character well suited to the RPG formula. We don't need more bizarre off-shoots, SEGA. We need another Sonic Rush! Just... Feel free to cut back on the annoying sidekicks.

That jet ski had better be going to Sonic Rush 3...

Deviating a bit from the mainstream, another sequel I'd like to see is a follow-up to Hotel Dusk. Now, I don't say Hotel Dusk 2 because, lets face it, it would be quite boring for the next game to take place in the same building. Anyways, I feel that the characters of Kyle Hyde and Mila are far too interesting to just toss aside. I feel that much more can be done with these characters. Also, I think that the 1960s are an interesting decade to place a game in, and I'd really like to see more of what Cing can do with such a unique time period choice. This hypothetical Hotel Dusk sequel, whatever it may (Hypothetically) end up being called, would be an excellent way to continue supporting Nintendo platforms with intelligent and mature content. Perhaps after work wraps up on the Wii sequel to Trace Memory/Another Code we'll see some more '60s sleuthing. Until then, I think I'll be staying in good ol' room 215. After all, it is rumoured to make wishes come true...

I don't know about you, but Melissa's sure
excited about a sequel.

And with that, we come to the end of this article. Of course, there's many, many more games worthy of not-even-hinted-at sequels out there, but if I were to write up each and every one of them I'd be here all day. These five, though, are certainly some of the most deserving of the bunch. What would you say are your five most-wanted-yet-not-even-hinted-at-sequels? What out-of-the-blue sequels are you most hoping for? Feel free to let me know in the comment section, or this forum thread.

The 2008 Golden Duck Awards

401st post: Slightly less notable than the 400th. Also, this article consists only of this year's games that I played, so if there's another game out there with a title more reflective of flatulence I sure haven't played it (Although I kinda wish I did).


As the year comes to a close, it's time to take a look back at all the games of 2008 and figure out which ones are worthy of mentioning once again in all sorts of feeble, irrelevant little categories. Feeble and irrelevant... Yep, that's One Duck's Opinion, alright!

Best Game With a Title That Sounds Like a Kids' Movie

I can imagine walking into some shady flea market in the depths of China and seeing Professor Layton and the Curious Village sticking out of a pile of bootleg DVDs. Of course, there'd be one hell of a garbled Engrish description on the back... "Open movie, Professor Layton and his young assistant Luke driving the request of the town of St. mysterious widow of the late Baron Lady Dahlia Reinhold. Baron has remained in his last will, who solved the mystery of the Golden Apple will inherit the fate of Baron, some people attempt and failures."

Come to think of it, Professor Layton and the Curious Village would make a good animated film. The art's fantastic, the storyline is solid, and all of its amazing puzzles would translate well to on-screen head-scratchers. Nothing can compare to how it is as a game, though, with its many mind-bending puzzles, exploration elements and investigative segments. Professor Layton is surely a great game all around, even if it the title does make it sound like it belongs in a Chinese flea market bargain bin.

Best Nintendo Game That Europe Actually Got Before North America

Nintendo's well-known for frequently giving the shaft to our European friends. Star Fox 64, Super Smash Bros. Brawl, and even the DS Lite all launched in Europe last out of all three major regions, and these few examples are just the tip of the iceberg. It's no surprise that everyone was amazed at Europe receiving Mario Kart Wii only one day after Japan, and nearly two weeks before North America. This may not sound like such a big deal, but ask any European how they felt about waiting for Brawl and prepare to see the tears flow.

Now the tables turn and Europe begins to lord it over us for a good thirteen days. They had every right to do so, what with Mario Kart Wii's amazing track design, so-far-unmatched-on-the-Wii online play, and perfect motion controls. I suppose we had it coming after how loudly we loved Brawl...

Best Sequel With a Change of Main Character

Every Ace Attorney fan had already come to love the story of Phoenix Wright, the rookie defense lawyer who always claimed victory over even the most unfair odds. So when it was announced that Mr. Wright wouldn't be wearing the title of attorney in the fourth game people were understandably upset. Despite all our feelings of dread and our reluctance to love the new lead character, Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney still managed to make a big splash in the realm of law-based gaming.

One place Apollo Justice really managed to shine was in the graphics department. With the DS being so many times stronger than the Game Boy Advance, far more advanced sprite animations, backgrounds, and even 3D imagery became possible here. Like the bonus fifth chapter in Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney, all of Apollo Justice took advantage of the DS' unique abilities to further enhance the gameplay experience, using the touchscreen for everything from taking fingerprints to pouring plaster to copy a footprint in the mud. And of course, there's no forgetting using the microphone to shout "Objection!". However, unlike many witness testimonies in the game, I have no objections to Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney.

Best Reminder That Life Could Be Worse

First you drop your morning latte, then you step in a mud puddle, and then you barely miss the bus on your way home. You're life couldn't be any worse, right? Well, imagine you instead drop your handgun, got splattered by Boomer bile, then barely miss the helicopter out of this hellhole. Sure sounds a lot worse, huh? This moment of putting life into perspective was brought to you by Left 4 Dead.

From Valve, the company quickly becoming my favourite developer in the business, Left 4 Dead is a new take on zombie games: It's all co-op. The "4" in the title refers to the player's squad, a group of four survivors of the zombie apocalypse. Only by working together can these four survive the seemingly endless waves of zombies of all shapes, sizes and abilities, from the common "horde" zombie, all the way up to the bone-chilling Witch. With rapid-fire clouds of zombies always pouring in from every direction, and each game being different due to the innovative AI Director, Left 4 Dead isn't just a reminder that life could be worse; It's also one hell of a game.

Best Way to Beat the Crap Out of Your Friends Without Getting the Police Involved

Fireballs, bombs, flying jump-kicks, magical blades, and many other objects that defy definition are just some of the weapons available in your Super Smash Bros. Brawl arsenal. Thanks to this game, now you can ignite, blow up, mangle, and altogether destroy your friends without those pesky police getting in the way.

After many months of waiting, wishing and speculating, the world finally got its hands on Super Smash Bros. Brawl this year. With by far the biggest roster yet, an insane amount of different stages and the conversion of just about every former mode into a mini-game made Brawl into one of this year's most amazing titles. Okay, so the online aspect blew massive chunks, but I still hold that Smash Bros. (Like many other games) is best played with your friends in the same room. When it comes to beating the crap out of your friends with the help of the Wii, Super Smash Bros. Brawl is second only to clonking them over the head with the console itself.

Best Indicator That the Apocalypse Might Be Kinda Cool

Whenever I envision a post-apocalyptic world, it usually looks a lot like End of Evangelion, with a red-coloured skies, seas of nothing, and rubble from former proud structures. Usually one figure stands along among it all, speechless at what they're seeing. It's quite the bleak, saddening image. However, that's not the case in Advance Wars: Days of Ruin! Sure, meteors blotted out the sun, but there's tanks and explosions and stuff! Hooray apocalypse!

Advance Wars: Days of Ruin takes the happy-go-lucky attitude of the first three Advance Wars games and thrusts it into the far-flung future of Armageddon. 90% of the world's population has been wiped out, and the remaining few struggle to survive with limited resources. Of course, just about every last shred of the world's law died with those who upheld it, and now anarchy reins. War is everywhere, and the game follows the story of one troop as he joins a brigade and begins trying to bring the world back to normal. The same award-winning gameplay from the rest of the series returns, bringing with it a few more units and a selection of new gameplay elements. If I had a choice as to how the world would end, I'd surely pick the Days of Ruin version. I'll take tanks and bombers over puddles of people any day!

Best Reason to Get Your Rabies Shot

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Time to head on down to the clinic and get my inoculations up to date! I mean, seriously, if I lived in a town with a raccoon shopkeeper, a dog hairstylist and a hedgehog seamstress, I'd probably get the heck out of there before finding out which of the squirrels is rabid. In the happy, care-free land of Animal Crossing, though, we need not worry about booster shots. Good thing, too, or else I'd have more puncture wounds than Hellraiser.

In Animal Crossing: City Folk, there is no real point or goal. The player can just do things as they want, when they want, living a nice, calming secondary life with friendly humanoid animals. Buying furniture, upgrading the house, competing in fishing tournaments... Okay, so it's the exact same thing as the other two games. Same or not, though, get your rabies shots just to be sure. I don't trust the look in K.K. Slider's eye...

Best Game With a Title Reminiscent of Flatulence

No more really needs to be said here.

LostWinds is a unique game in that the player controls two characters at once: A young boy, Toku, and the wind spirit, Enril. The two work in tandem, with Toku being controlled by the analog stick, and Enril taking the role of the Wii remote's pointer. Simply point, click and drag, and a gust of wind will blow along the line you drew. Wind is key to solving just about every puzzle in the game, from fanning coals into a fire to kick-starting a windmill. LostWinds is certainly a great game, even if its name does remind me of methane clouds.

And so end the first ever Golden Duck Awards, giving useless, fictitious trophies to random video games I played. Can you think of some inane and utterly pointless awards you'd like to give to some of this year's video games? Feel free to let your ideas be heard in either the comment section, or this forum thread.