The 2009 Golden Duck Awards

Just in case you forgot (Or completely missed) last year's Golden Duck Awards, here's a link to refresh (Or supplement) your memory.


Welcome, one and all, to the 2009 Golden Duck Awards! We don't have any special guests or musical performances... We don't really have much, actually. What we do have, though, are 11 all-new awards given to 11 different games in 11 different (And completely irrelevant) categories. Why 11? Because I like to go one step beyond. Now then, for this year's 2009 Golden Duck Awards!

Best Reason to Load Up on Target-Brand Ibuprofen
"I know one thing... I'm grabbin' pills."

There are many reasons to reach for a bottle of ibuprofen. Headaches, joint pains, zombie claw marks, the list goes on. Well, that last one appears to be exclusive to the Target-branded variety of the drug, at least according to Left 4 Dead 2. Also listed under the added effects exclusive to this brand: Blood stain removal, bone mending and temporary improvement of vital signs, all in an attractive bullet-proof bottle with a zombie-safe cap. Now if only they could increase the concentration. It sure is inconvenient that it takes a whole bottle for any effect to occur. Must be excellent for sales, though.

I think I'll forgive the drug's fictional shortcomings, though. It's not exactly the most pressing issue in the world of Left 4 Dead 2, with hundreds of thousands of zombies pouring out of every door, hallway and sewer. Luckily players have a few good friends on their side, fighting back against the hordes with over a dozen different weapons, including chainsaws, shotguns, assault rifles, katanas, sniper rifles, and Molotov cocktails. With five ever-changing campaigns and some of the finest enemy AI ever crafted, Left 4 Dead 2 is one hell of a zombie-killing good time. Just remember to pack your Target-brand ibuprofen, folks. It's going to be a rough trip.

Best Game With a Robotic Turtle Speed Demon on the Box

"Herf Hoorf this isn't an actual award!"

There have been many great vehicles in the history of gaming. From go-karts to jalopies, hovercrafts to biplanes, there's no shortage of vehicles in which to tear up the track, dirt, skies or sea with. It was beginning to seem as if the possibilities had been all but exhausted... Until the debut of the greatest vehicle of them all, the robotic turtle speed demon, which shall henceforth be referred to as the Tortimer Mk. II. Featuring four wheels, a grappling arm, a sandwich bar and optional passenger-side tambourine, the Tortimer Mk. II has everything you could possibly want in a vehicle... Except perhaps for seating. That may be an issue. Good thing it appears to be remote-controlled, allowing drivers to experience the action from the comfort (And safety) of their living rooms.

We should be glad that Excitebots is merely a video game, for there is no pause button in real life. You see, unlike most racers, Excitebots must occasionally be paused for the purpose of laughing at how uproariously absurd it is. Blazing down the road at over a hundred miles an hour, users will spin up poles, catapult themselves into the air, and assemble sandwiches in ways man never thought possible. Taking the tried-and-true formula of Excite Truck and cranking every aspect to 11 turned Excitebots into what is undoubtedly one of the year's craziest, strangest, and all-out best racers. All thanks in no small part to the Tortimer Mk. II. Godspeed, you magnificent robotic turtle speed demon.

Most Entertaining Method of Punching the Pineapples Out of Someone

"Are you ready? 'Cause I'm gonna put on a show."

There seem to be as many "*Blank* the *Blank* out of someone" phrases as there are people. My personal favourite, however, would have to be "Beat the pineapples out of someone". It's very difficult to do in real life (Especially living so far from pineapple-growing conditions), making me very thankful for the man(?) known as King Hippo. With a seemingly never-ending supply of fresh tropical pineapples stored in his cranium, King Hippo is like a pineapple-lover's dream come true. Me? Oh, no, I don't like to eat pineapples. Just beating them out of people.

Pineapples are but one of the many different things that can be coaxed out of people's heads in Punch-Out!!. Croissants, feathers, fish, birds, roses and much more are all contained within the skulls of opponents in Punch-Out!!, and it takes but a single uppercut to enjoy them. It's getting to that uppercut that's the hard part. Less like a fighting game and more like a puzzler, Punch-Out!!'s fights center around fast reactions and a keen eye. Each opponent has his own strengths, weaknesses and hints. Strike at the wrong time and get showered in a barrage of counter-punches, but strike at the right time and you're rewarded with a cascade of pineapples. If that's not motivation, I don't know what is!

Best Game Based on Wildlife Loose in Downtown Toronto

"A wild doe has invaded downtown Toronto and is terrorizing people!"

It was a quiet, ordinary day in downtown Toronto, when suddenly, chaos struck! Chaos in the form of... A harmless doe. A deer. A female deer. It was perhaps the city's strangest news story of the year (Tied, perhaps, with the mayor's ineptitude at ending a garbage strike. It's a long story. A long, painful story.). So what is the internet to do? Make a Flash game based on it, of course!

DEERTASE is a classically-styled RPG encapsulating the thrilling life-or-death battle faced that day. A fight of man against deer, technology against nature, human against... not-human. With naught but the standard-issue Toronto police officer equipment available, you must somehow overcome the serious, city-threatening menace that is a doe. Can you possibly succeed? And if you do emerge victorious, another challenge awaits... DEERTASE is a thrilling new saga of Flash-based entertainment, just begging to be experienced by all. Are you a bad enough dude to save the city?

Best Glorification of a Boring Factory Job

"[BOX]Life is like a box of chocolates"

I've never worked in a factory, but I imagine it's not all that fun. A week of 9-to-5 shifts of the same exact thing over and over and over. One of the most mundane of these jobs would have to be manual box assembly. Just thinking about the endless hours of folding makes me drowsy. Now, if perhaps there were some sort of challenge involved. Say, an infinitely-long sheet of paper with a grid pattern printed on it, which could be cut, folded and turned into boxes like some sort of puzzle game. If only there were such a game...

...is something I highly doubt anyone ever thought in the history of mankind. That didn't stop the fine folks at Skip Ltd. from making that very game, though, and they called it BOXLIFE. With gameplay consisting of everything I said above and nothing more, BOXLIFE is not exactly a complex game. What it is, though, is incredibly fun, and inexplicably addictive. I don't know what it is, but somewhere in this insanely skimpy design is a golden nugget of infinite replayability. Come to think of it, I don't even care what it is. All I know is that this is the best 500 points I've spent on DSiWare so far.

Best Adventure Within the Bowels of a Gigantic Turtle

"I HAVE CHORTLES!"

One of the oldest standbys of cartoons is the classic "inside the body" episode. It always begins with some cheesy method of the characters shrinking down and entering the body of another character, where they have a whole bunch of wacky adventures or learn biology or some crap like that. Whatever the case, it's tired and overdone, with every cartoon from The Magic School Bus to Spongebob Squarepants having done it. Trust Nintendo to look at this tired old story and make the one game we've all secretly desired our entire lives: A game primarily staged within the body of Bowser himself. Truly it is the game to end all games.

Joking aside, Bowser's Inside Story really is a fantastic platformer/RPG hybrid, featuring the greatest parts of the two genres of which it is composed. Classic Nintendo platforming perfected over the last two decades years and the vast and exciting world of role-playing games come together to create the greatest Mario & Luigi series game so far. The writing, battles, storyline and animation are better than ever before, which, compared to the amazing quality of the franchise up to this point, is saying quite a lot. Not only that, but the main boss of the game is probably the best one out of all bosses I've fought this year, whether or not he is, indeed, "beefless".

Best (Hopefully) Fictional Portrayal of Life in 2077

"War. War never changes."

I like to think my later years will be ones of peace, sitting on some lakeside dock and watching the boats go by. I don't like to think of them taking place in times of war, with military jets flying by, troops patrolling the streets, and warships flooding the waters. Thankfully at least one possible timeline leading to this situation is an impossibility, with events causing it having never taken place. For those of us interested in such a timeline, though, there exists the Fallout series. This alteration of history sees 2077 being a time or great strife for the world, with one of the main conflicts centered upon China's invasion of Anchorage, Alaska. This (hopefully) fictional war serves as the premise for Fallout 3: Operation Anchorage.

Upon the discovery of a virtual reality device in the post-war ruins of Washington D.C. (Do keep in mind that this is merely a fictional situation), the group that made the discovery searches long and hard for a person equipped to tackle the brutal game-within-a-game. This person, of course, if the player. What kind of game would it be if it wasn't? The simulation is no mere virtual reality adventure, though, with death having real-world consequences. That's right, folks; "If you die in the game, YOU DIE FOR REAL!". This program is a recreation of the war at Anchorage, and only by fighting their way through this historically-significant battle can the player escape it. Operation: Anchorage is a nice twist on the usual Fallout 3 formula, and it certainly helps add more to the already huge overarching storyline of the franchise. Let's just hope this particular story remains in fiction.

Best Use of Fireworks

"DYNOMIIIIIITE"

Fireworks are always one of the best parts of any major celebration. The bright lights, the vibrant colours, and of course, the loud crack of the explosions. It's bright, pretty and ear-splittingly loud. There's something in it for everybody... Well, except for the shoot 'em up fans, that is. Fireworks are nice, but they lack the action and excitement of games like Xevious, Nanostray and Gradius. And while games like Xevious, Nanostray and Gradius are nice, they lack the Summertime thrills of fireworks. Fireworks are just begging to be put into a shoot 'em up. Begging I say!

Well, the Roman candles need beg no longer, thanks to a little game known as Big Bang Mini. It's the same basic shoot 'em up we've all been playing for years, but with an explosive twist. Forget about rockets and missiles and Photon torpedoes. Nah, the real firepower's in a firecracker. It's all the greatness of classic shoot 'em ups with the wonders of fireworks. Seriously, what more could you want?

Best Game Featuring a Rooster Hat in a Leading Role

"Buck buck bu-gawk!"

Hats are only recently getting the attention they so dearly deserve. Mario's been wearing a hat since day one, but nobody truly appreciates it. Valve noticed the lack of love for hats, and added them to Team Fortress 2 earlier this year. While it was a good step, there just wasn't a rooster hat. They were on the right track with the Pyro's Respectless Rubber Glove, but they stopped just short of paying respect to the hat that deserves it most. It wasn't until Scribblenauts debuted two months later that the rooster hat finally got its break-out role. Simple, elegant, presumably floppy. Clearly it is the hat of the gods!

Also of the gods is the core concept of Scribblenauts. The game's tagline is "Write Anything, Solve Everything", and it just about delivers on both accounts. Not everything can be written (What, no Dromiceiomimus? Well, crap, there goes my Dinosaur Comics reunion!), and some puzzles are so punishingly hard they may as well be impossible, but the game does, in general, pull off what it was advertised to do... If the crummy controls don't result in that marvelous rooster hat plummeting off a cliff. So sure, it's not a perfect game, but dammit, it finally gives the lord of all hats the exposure it deserves!

Best Head-On Collisions

"Vroom vroom, quack quack"

People love car crashes. It's some sort of morbid fascination built into the human mind that, whenever there's a car accident, we just have to go look at it. Just yesterday I saw a white car halfway through the front wall of a dental office while I was riding the bus, and everyone else turned to look. There's just something within a human that makes them need to see these things. What could be better than seeing a car wreck? How about playing a video game where one of the main objectives is to create them? That's exactly what some developers thought years ago, and lo, the Burnout franchise was born.

2008 brought us Burnout Paradise and a few expansions, with 2009 bringing all of those goodies wrapped up in one nice little package. The best package. The Ultimate Box, you could call it. It's all the car-wrecking goodness wrapped up in one convenient disc! With an extensive online mode, a huge virtual city to drive in and more cars than any dealership I've seen, there's no end to the various ways, places and vehicles in which you can get your crunch on. Pack your roll cages and fasten your seatbelts, folks. It's going to be bumpy ride.

Most Wanton Wontons

"Hello, City Wok, may I take your order please?"

Next time you order Chinese food from your local Chinese restaurant, look that delivery man a little closer in the eye. Look out for anything suspicious, because you never know. You local Wok On The Wild Side could very well be a front for the mafia. If that turns out to be the case, what will you do? You could call the police, notify the FBI or, if it comes to it... Order pizza instead. It's a last resort, but sometimes it just has to be done!

In Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars, the situation above is a reality, but it's okay, because you're on the side with the guns and explosions! Far better than the cold chicken balls and lumpy fried rice, believe me. Chinatown Wars brings the winning Grand Theft Auto formula to the DS for the first time ever, meshing together the gigantic world of Grand Theft Auto IV with the birds-eye view perspective of the original game. It's truly amazing how much they managed to squeeze onto that little game card, and it's a huge shame that so few people got to enjoy it. Come on, people! There's a mission where you play as one of those big Chinese dragons you see in parades. If that's not worth the $20 sticker price, nothing is!

And so ends this year's 11 all-new Golden Duck Awards... But wait, there's more! Notice I said there were 11 new categories... I never said there couldn't be an oldie coming back for one more go! And so, without further delay...

Best Way to Beat the Crap Out of Your Friends Without Getting the Police Involved

"Let's-a go!"

Super Smash Bros. Brawl now hands the legal assault-granting torch to this year's Nintendo masterpiece, New Super Mario Bros. Wii. Four-player Mario platforming... Even someone completely unfamiliar with the game should know what kind of chaos such a concept can bring. Oh, the satisfaction of tossing your whiny sibling into a never ending pit. The joys of leaving that annoying family friend to die in the fires of Bowser's castle. And the best part is that it's perfectly legal! If this isn't the best Wii game of the year, nothing is!

...well, I suppose I can't say that just yet. I'll admit, I've only played the first couple worlds of this game, but what I did play was fantastic... And frantic. I still can't decide if it was a good idea for my initial exposure to this game to be in four-person multiplayer. Whatever the case, it was a complete blast, and I'm very much hoping to find it beneath the Christmas tree tomorrow. And if I don't... IF I DON'T GET THIS GAME FOR CHRISTMAS I'LL... I'LL... Eh, I guess I'll play something else.

So ends this year's Golden Duck Awards... For real this time. Another 12 useless, meaningless, overly-specific trophies have been handed out to another 12 more-than-worthy games. That makes 20 total Golden Duck Award recipients. Quite the exclusive group, don't you think? Not a very prestigious group, but certainly exclusive. Do you have any random, pointless awards to bestow upon 2009's finest games? Feel free to have your own merry little awards ceremony in the comment section, or in this forum thread.

By This Time Next Year: Volume 3

This is but the first of two annual traditions taking place this month. Tune in on the 23rd for the second annual Golden Duck Awards!


Beginning in November 2007 and continued in December 2008, "By This Time Next Year" (Now properly capitalized!) comes back for its third iteration, with past predictions reviewed and a whole new set crafted for the upcoming year. First up, as usual, revisiting those predictions made on December 3rd, 2009!

"...at least one more console will be added to the North American Virtual Console" = Correct!

Released the same day it was announced, Virtual Console Arcade was added during the 2009 Game Developer's Conference this March, bringing classic arcade games to the living room, bedroom, or wherever the heck you stuck that console!

...Star Fox Wii will have been announced for an early 2010 release (I'm not giving up on this!) = WRONG

I've been posting this one for two years now, and it still hasn't happened. Eh, I give up... Which, of course, means it will now happen.

...the true successor to the DS line of handhelds will have been announced = WRONG

You know, I'm honestly not sure what I was thinking here. It was preposterous to imagine Nintendo doing such a thing. The system's still flying off the shelf like mad, and it would be stupid to stem sales by pushing out a successor. They did release the DSi XL, though, which makes my prediction slightly less inaccurate... Slighty.

...Nintendo still won't have released a true solution to the Wii storage problem = WRONG

This one requires a little backstory for anyone either new to the site or prioritized enough to not bother remembering the ramblings of a random internet weirdo. At the time the previous edition of "By This Time Next Year" was written, Nintendo had announced a solution to the Wii's greatly-limited storage space, but the wording was so cryptic that it sounded as if it solved no problems at all. In reality, though, it appears to have been lost in translation, as the solution did indeed arrive in March 2009 (Same day as Virtual Console Arcade), and it sure did deliver. In short: I misinterpreted a cryptic Japanese press release and made an ass of myself. Next!

...Wii sales will surpass 60 million worldwide = WRONG

Oh, but I was so close! The Wii didn't quite reach that landmark, stopping just short of the predicted number with... Oh, this is painful... 58.37 million, according to VGChartz.com (Which I find to be quite accurate, thank you very much). Now this is just crazy. Well... I was close!

...the combined sales of the Nintendo DS, DS Lite and DSi will overtake the Playstation 2's record sales of 140 million+ = WRONG

...here, however, I was slightly less accurate. The DS, DS Lite, DSi and DSi XL (Man there's a lot of them!) came up 23.53 million short at 116.47 million. My predictions aren't faring so well this year, are they?

...Mother 3 will still be landlocked in Japan, without any sort of announcements made for a release outside of its homeland = Correct!

Okay, I admit, this was a bit of a "Well, duh!" prediction, following in the painfully-obvious footsteps of 2007's prediction of "Duke Nukem Forever will remain unreleased." Sadly, Professor Obvious couldn't be here today to cover this prediction, as he's having a stick of chalk removed from... Uh, on second thought, you don't want to know.

...at least two more Pokémon games will have been released (Main series and/or spin-offs) = Correct!

In fact, four have been released since then (Seven if you count the slightly different versions some games were released in)! Pokémon HeartGold/SoulSilver, Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Sky, Pokémon Mystery Dungeon (WiiWare), and Pokémon Rumble have all seen release since this prediction was made. Oh, that Nintendo and its Pokémon!

-----

And this year's overall prediction accuracy is... Five wrong, three correct. Heck, that's almost the exact opposite of last year's results! Well, perhaps these new predictions will fare better:

...Pikmin 3 will have been formally announced
...Half-Life 2: Episode 3 will have gone another year without any sort of official announcement
...a long-standing, long-since-forgotten Nintendo franchise will make its triumphant return
...Project Natal will have been delayed until 2011
...people will still be erroneously calling the Playstation 3 and Xbox 360 "next-generation"
...Mario Party 9 will have been released
...Zelda Wii will have been confirmed for a Summer 2011 release
...yet another same-as-before Call of Duty game will have been released, and people will still be yet to tire of it
...a brand-new Nintendo IP will have been announced
...SEGA will once again bring shame to the Sonic brand

And thus ends the list of predictions for the year of 2010. Hmm... Ten predictions, tenth year of the century... COINCIDENCE?!

...okay, yeah, it's a coincidence. Neat, though. Well then, what do you think of my predictions? Good? Bad? HORRENDOUS? Let your opinion be heard (And maybe even make a few predictions of your own) in the comment section, or in this forum thread.

Big franchises, big missteps

Whether you're a big-name CEO, a multi-billionaire or a humble fainting goat, you're never immune to a misstep. This truth carries over to the world of gaming, where a franchise may be absolutely perfect one minute and utterly abysmal the next. No series is immune, as this article will show.

(Note: This is the Final Fantasy II originally released on the Famicom in 1988. Not to be confused with the Final Fantasy II released on the Super Nintendo in 1991.)

Systems: Famicom, Playstation, Game Boy Advance, Playstation Portable, WonderSwan Color, mobile phones

Final Fantasy is one of the biggest game franchises in existence, with twelve numbered installments released, as well as several sequels and spin-offs. Of course, with so many games, there's gotta be a dud somewhere. It didn't take long for this franchise to find it's first mistake, though, as it fell flat on it's face with the release of Final Fantasy II.

Where to start, where to start... Well, first off, your attacks very rarely even manage to hit your opponents. You start off with the accuracy of a blind, armless sniper wearing a football helmet backwards, and you don't improve until after you kill somebody. Unless you suddenly get attacked by a "Broad-Side-Of-A-Barn" monster, you'll be groping in the dark for a while there.

When you finally manage to find the hilt on your sword and actually kill something, you're hit by the incredibly bland storyline. The first battle takes place between four enemies and your party (Featuring characters who are two-dimensional in more ways than one). It's an impossible battle to win, even if you somehow manage to hit your opponent. You all get knocked out, with the leader (American name: Firion. Wow.) awakening in a bizarre, empty room. He yells out the names of his comrades (Maria, Leon and... Guy? Am I reading this right?), but receives no response. "Flareon" leaves the room, wanders around and ends up in yet another room, where he is re-united with Guy and Maria.

Blah blah blah, you talk with a queen or something, they yammer about a resistance of some sort, blah blah blah... Hey, look! Another team member! Can we go kill things now, or do you have some more boring and clichéd storyline to lay on me?

Suffice to say, the storyline is incredibly dull, and unbelievably stupid on more than one occasion (Is Guy talking to a race of gigantic, intelligent beavers? Yes, I do believe he is). The battles are slow, even when you manage to figure out that punching hurts your enemies, and the characters have absolutely no personality whatsoever. Almost makes me wish that the first game actually was the Final Fantasy.



System: Nintendo DS

Metroid is significant for many reasons. It has a huge story branching several games and it's a first-person game with a gun that doesn't revolve around mindlessly killing mutants/aliens/gangsters/whatever. Metroid Prime Hunters went back on all of that, ditching the continuing storyline and revolving almost entirely around blasting things to bits.

As for the entirely disposable story (Seriously, this game could have never happened, and nothing would be affected in the overall timeline), the Galactic Federation intercepts a message telling of an "ultimate power" within the Alimbic solar system. Samus is dispatched to either capture or destroy this mysterious weapon. Of course, other people find out, leading to six more bounty hunters fighting for the prize.

When Samus arrives at the Alimbic solar system, she finds that the Almibic race has been exterminated by a beast dubbed Gorea. The monster emerged from a meteor that impacted on the peaceful society, and then proceeded to attack everyone and everything that got in it's way. The monster was highly adaptable, able to take on the form of the Alimbics themselves, and even mimic their advanced weapon technology.

With no other choice, the Alimbics sealed away the beast using the last of their telepathic energy. The monster was confined to a "Seal Sphere" and set aboard a star ship, which was then thrust into another dimension.

Samus goes around collecting mysterious objects called Octoliths, as they seem linked to the "ultimate power" spoken of in the transmission. Realizing the connection, the other bounty hunters fight Samus for the Octoliths in order to claim the power for themselves.

As for the gameplay, it's very far from standard Metroid fare. It's focused almost entirely on shooting things, with little focus placed on puzzles. The basic flow of the game is jump, shoot, run, shoot shoot shoot, jump, open a door, shoot some more, then jump again, followed by more shooting. Oh, and you also get to shoot things!

The boss battles are pretty boring. There's eight bosses throughout the game, but only four of them are original. The other four are just revamped versions of the first bosses. Same method of killing, just more health.

On it's own, Metroid Prime Hunters isn't that bad of a game. Heck, online, this is a great shooter! But when it comes to the type of game the Metroid series is known for, it's a huge disappointment. The puzzles are almost gone, the storyline is disposable, and there's eight boss battles with only four bosses.

Originally delayed a year to add online play, it should have been delayed another year beyond that to actually be more than a shooter, and become a true Metroid title.


System: Nintendo 64

The Legend of Zelda is a franchise known by almost everyone, and it deserves this fame. It always delivers amazing adventure, brilliant puzzles and memorable characters. Actually, Majora's Mask does all these things, too. Sadly, it brings one more aspect into the mix: The dreaded three-day time limit.

Using the in-game clock, once three game-days pass, the moon crashes into the planet and kills everything. Which isn't good. And this is all happening because one Skullkid got his hands on the mystical Majora's Mask. Damn butter-fingered mask salesman! So at the end of each cycle, Link needs to use the Ocarina of Time to reverse the clock back to the first day. (Why not turn time back to before the Skullkid took the mask? Sometimes the simplest answers are overlooked...)

So, that's basically the whole story right there. And so begins the list of this game's shortcomings...

The aforementioned three-day time limit seems somewhat selective when it comes to what is affected by the time travel. Any rupees you have on hand are lost, as are certain mission items. But your weapons and key items remain intact. I guess they're all magic or something...

Also, nothing can stop this clock from ticking. Entering dungeons, talking to people, nothing. The pause menu is your only refuge from the passage of time. This is a real pain if you get really close to something, only to have time run out. And now everybody's a pancake. Darn.

In addition to the time-traveling, Majora's Mask's major gimmick is, well, masks. Throughout Link's adventure he'll obtain many masks from many places. Some will cause him to run faster or explode (No, really), and others transform him into other creatures such as Zoras, Gorons and Deku Scrubs.

Also, this game has talking beavers, too. Don't ask why. I think the guys who made Final Fantasy II sneaked into the development one day and added that for kicks (Those bastards!).

Ocarina of Time was a hard act to follow. Add to that the fact that Majora's Mask isn't stellar on it's own, and you have a case of major letdown.


System: Gamecube

Like Majora's Mask, Super Mario Sunshine also was next in line after the previous installment became one of the greatest games ever made. And again, like Majora's Mask, it wasn't even a terribly awesome game on it's own. Unlike Majora's Mask, however, there are no talking beavers. Now we can all sleep at night.

The story begins on a private jet headed off to beautiful Isle Delfino. Peach is sitting in her seat, eagerly awaiting her vacation (As if she has work to escape). When they get there, however, the locals are somewhat out of sorts. It seems that someone fitting Mario's description was seen defacing public property with oozing graffiti. Mario's immediately taken into custody and, after a completely one-sided trial, is sentenced. His burden? To clean up all he allegedly did.

When it comes to Mario's doppelganger, people seem to have not noticed one thing: It's blue and partially see-through. Yep, looks exactly like Mario, don't it? It's because he's Italian, isn't it?!

Peach is soon kidnapped by the vaguely resemblant fiend, and Mario gives chase. After a few missions, it is revealed that Mario's impostor is actually Bowser Jr. in disguise. And for some reason, he seems convinced that Peach is his mom (Wowza, that must've been some night). He escapes with the princess, and the chase continues on.

Super Mario Sunshine's main gimmick is F.L.U.D.D, a back-mounted water cannon. F.L.U.D.D can be used to hover, jump and, mainly, clean up the mess Bowser Jr. made. Cleaning up the mess is good and all, but eventually, Mario's going to have to face his enemy directly. In order to do this, Mario must collect the Shine Sprites scattered about the island. These powerful tokens once brought sunlight and happiness to the island of Delfino, but after being scattered, the island falls dark and grim. By collecting enough Sprites, Mario can finally enter the island's volcano and challenge Bowser Jr. and his dad face-to-face.

Like Metroid Prime Hunters, Super Mario Sunshine wasn't that bad of a game. However, as a Mario title, it was no good at all. F.L.U.D.D was completely out of place in the game, and added too much complexity to the usually simple Mario formula. The game that was beginner-friendly became somewhat inaccessible to less experienced gamers.

Sunshine was a fun game, but it was a bad Mario title. Luckily for the plumber, Galaxy redeemed the franchise. But he'd better not let it happen again, lest Nintendo of America find a flaming paper bag of "justice" on their front step.

Discuss this article on the forums

The Duck Has Spoken.

Top 10 games I'm looking forward to

A whole lot of games are coming out in the next little while, for both the Wii and the DS. Here are the 10 I'm most looking forward to.

#10: Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles: Ring of Fates (DS)

Whenever Square-Enix makes a new Final Fantasy game, I listen up! Ring of Fates builds on the groundwork laid by it's GameCube predecessor, offering a unique experience unavailable in any other Final Fantasy title. The graphics are also some of the best seen yet on the DS, with full 3D. Add in voice acting, and it's a mystery how they ever managed to cram so much on to that little game card! Even though not even the most vague of North American release date has been given, I still anticipate this game as if it were coming out tomorrow! No RPG fan with a DS should be without this!

#9: Rayman Raving Rabbids 2 (Wii)

Ubisoft's Rayman Raving Rabbids, while it didn't quite live up to expectations, was still an amazing (And hilarious) piece of work. They couldn't just leave the Rabbids behind after just one game now, could they? Thus Rayman Raving Rabbids 2! It looks to be even more insane than the first, with more mini-games and pop culture spoofs than ever imaginable! Jack Sparrow Rabbid? Instant game of the year in my book!

#8: Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles (Wii)

I haven't been into Resident Evil for long, but since playing Wii Edition and Deadly Silence, I'm really hooked on the series! So then, it's understandable that I'm excited for The Umbrella Chronicles! The on-rails aspect doesn't bug me at all, and perhaps the sweetest bit of recent news about this is the fact that it supports Nintendo's Wii Zapper shell. Holding both of my hands in front of me and pumping rounds into a zombie's decaying flesh really gets me excited for this game! As long as Capcom manages to keep the twisted storyline the franchise is famous for intact, this will be an experience unmatched by any other Resident Evil game to date!

#7: Mario Strikers Charged (Wii)

Mario has had many sports games over the years. Golf, tennis, basket ball and more. But perhaps my favorite of all Mario sport games would have to be Super Mario Strikers on the GameCube. The action was fast and furious, with Bob-ombs exploding left and right and Koopa shells hot on your tail. And now we get a sequel in the form of Mario Strikers Charged on the Wii, with all the adrenaline of the original game, with more modes, and expanded single-player mode and, best of all, online functionality. The reviews pouring in from Europe and Australia increase my anticipation more and more! Only six days to go until this hits North American stores.

#6: Metroid Prime 3: Corruption (Wii)

Retro has always outdone themselves with the Metroid Prime series of games, and I expect Corruption will be no different. Adventuring through alien planets from behind Samus Aran's visor has always been a truly engrossing experience, and with the Wii remote, this will all be so much more so. Actually twisting your arm to turn handles and manipulate dials instead of merely pressing a button is sure to draw the player into the game like never before. Corruption is poised to be the greatest game yet published under the Metroid name, and it'll all be ours in little over a month.

#5: Wii Fit (Wii)

Okay, a lot of you guys are probably gonna be really pissed that I put this above Metroid Prime 3, but I really think Wii Fit is going to be an AMAZING piece of software! The Balance Board coupled with Nintendo ingenuity is a perfect combination! Wii Fit will be great for expanding the audience and shrinking our waistlines! Whether or not the Balance Board catches on is irrelevant. This is all about Wii Fit here, people, and I for one greatly anticipate it.

#4: Mario Kart Wii (Wii)

Possibly Nintendo's biggest announcement this past E3 would have to be Mario Kart Wii, and rightfully so. Every Mario Kart since the SNES has been an amazing experience, always staying on top of the genre it pioneered. And now, with the Wii, Mario Kart looks better than ever before, and with more racers, tracks, and an online mode greater than that of MK:DS, Mario Kart Wii holds the potential to be the greatest yet in the franchise. It's the game almost every Wii owner has been waiting for, and it will finally be in our hands next year. 1st quarter 2008 just can't get here quickly enough!

#3: Super Smash Bros. Brawl (Wii)

Not since the N64 has a Nintendo console gone by without a Smash Bros. title, and the Wii shall be no different with the arrival of Brawl this December. With more characters, stages, and modes than ever before, this is gonna be one hell of a fight! From fighting atop the Pleiades (Pictured above) to scrapping in Pokemon Stadium, every second of this game is going to be jam-packed with action. If the rumoured online mode pulls through, this will certainly be the best Smash ever!

#2: Super Mario Galaxy (Wii)

One of the first games I ever played in my whole life was Super Mario Bros. on the NES, so it goes without saying that I'm extremely excited for Mario's next major outing. I've enjoyed every Mario game I've ever played, from Mario Kart 64 to Mario Party 3 to, yes, even Super Mario Sunshine. Each of the plump plumber's adventures are always in depth and full of unique and exciting enemies and allies. The impressions coming from E3 are astounding, with barely a bad word to say about it. Super Mario Galaxy is not to be missed.

#1: The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass (DS)

Every Zelda game released is paired with extraordinary amounts of hype and anticipation, so it's little wonder that this ended up as my #1 most wanted upcoming game. Adding to my excitement is the near perfect review it got from Famitsu (39/40). This will almost certainly go down as the greatest portable Zelda adventure yet, if not the best altogether. If this isn't your most anticipated game, it at least deserves to be in your top 10.

Well then, those are my 10 most anticipated games coming out in the next little while. What games are you really looking forward to?

The Duck Has Spoken.

My thoughts on Nintendo's E3 press conference

For those of you who missed it, a recap of the event can be found here. For those up to speed, read on!



Another year, another press conference. Does this one do anything special to stand out? Here's my take on how things went.

Every year, people anticipate new games to be revealed. Well, if your one of those people, you may have been a little disappointed this year with the amount of games unveiled, since in the end, we only found out about two new titles. That's not to say these titles are underwhelming! Oh, no no no no no! Mario Kart Wii and Wii Fit are both extremely important titles for the console's continued success! Mario Kart is there for the core gamers, while Wii Fit is there for the casual (As well as some core) gamers.

Some of you most likely thought "Ah, dammit, the big announcement is another freaking casual title? Check please!". But a lot of you are ignoring the most innovative part of Wii Fit: The "balance board" (Pictured below). The weight and position sensing of this amazing new peripheral will be amazing for titles such as SSX and Tony Hawk, as many have already said. Imagine actually leaning for a turn and jumping off your board for special moves! The only two things in the way of this becoming a reality are 1: the fact the balance board is a secondary peripheral NOT included in the box with the Wii, and 2: the high price point the balance board is likely to have. But, who knows? Perhaps some ambitious developer will make an amazing piece of software with the balance board! Then again, it could also be doomed to obscurity like R.O.B or Game Boy/GameCube connectivity. Let's hope for the former, hmm?

The Wii "balance board" (Tentative name)

Something else great announced was the new "Zapper" Wiimote/Nunchuk shell (Pictured below). Adding to the excitement was the announcement that several upcoming third-party games (Such as SEGA's Ghost Squad and Capcom's Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles) will be utilizing this new setup. I was quite surprised by how machine-gun like the shell is. I'm really liking it!

The new Wii Zapper shell

Also using the Zapper shell will be Electronic Art's Medal of Honor (Yet to be formally named). Something else great about MoH is the fact that online gunfights will be in groups of up to 32 players! This is a HUGE piece of news for the Wii, since it was previously rumoured that the console could only be connected to one other Wii at a time. Perhaps the Wii is more online-ready than once thought!

The Mii Popularity Channel was also shown, but this time under the moniker "Check Mii Out!". As announced previously, Check Mii Out! will be a channel on which players can view Miis uploaded by other players, rate them, and even download them if they want to. We'll also be able to upload our own creations, and subject them to judging! Perhaps the coolest thing hinted at about Check Mii Out! was the contests. Apparently, every once in a while, Nintendo will give players guidelines about what Miis to make, like a celebrity or a TV show character. The best Mii wins! However, what exactly is won was never said. Wii Points? New accessories? Or something even grander?

There was also some talk about the DS, but not as much as Wii. About halfway through the show, an editor from the all-things-Zelda website, The Hylia, came on stage to demo The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass. Watching him play, I realized how smooth and seamless the game was. The graphics were bright and vibrant, and the controls always seemed to react the way the player wanted them to. I'm so excited right now! October 1st can't come soon enough!

Well then, at the end of this conference, I must say I was quite pleased! We finally got a glimpse of Mario Kart Wii, as well as several new peripherals!

I know that some of you are saying "Where the talk about Smash Bros.? What about Animal Crossing", but keep this in mind: E3 just started! There are still two more days left for these announcements to be made! When Super Smash Bros. Brawl was unveiled, it wasn't in a fancy press conference or anything like that! It was revealed behind doors to a select group, days after the conference! The same could be true of Animal Crossing, Star Fox, and all the other games we're anticipating, not to mention further news on Mario Kart, Metroid and Super Mario Galaxy!

This E3 has just begun, and already I'm impressed. Here's to another great two days!

The Duck Has Spoken.

Bits and pieces: Random game ideas

I've had a few ideas for games floating around in my head for a while, but none of which are fleshed out enough to warrant an entire post. So, I figure I may as well slap 'em all together! Enjoy!



Paper Mario DS

Paper Mario has been on every Nintendo home console since the N64, but never has he graced a portable system. I think this is the time to change that! I say Nintendo should bring the paper plumber to the small screen! Or rather, "screens".

Now, I'm not talking Super Paper Mario-style gameplay here, though. I'm suggesting the classic RPG Paper Mario make a return! This would be very well suited for the DS, due to the game's minimalist art style.

Also, the wave of RPGs on the DS seems to be slowing down a little as of late. Paper Mario DS would be the perfect thing to fill this void! Stylus controls would speed up battles significantly much like in Pokemon Diamond/Pearl. Tap a command, and it's done. There could also be touch-controlled puzzles, a field in which Nintendo has yet to fail us. And besides, what's an RPG without a puzzle every now and then? In a word: Boring!

Animal Crossing Wii

Yes, I'm aware this has already been all but confirmed. However, I still have a few ideas to toss out there! Control ideas!

Anyone who's played an Animal Crossing game for more than 6 1/2 minutes knows there are many, many different tools and interactions at your disposal when in town. How would these translate to Wii? Here are my thoughts.

I'm sure that most of us have spent hours tinkering with our stuff in the game, seeing what can be interacted with and such. But, to do so, we merely just tap A and watch. But with the Wii remote, this could become a much more interactive experience! Say you have a Jack-in-the-box (Not the burger joint, smartass). In that case, you'd hold your Wii remote horizontally (As if holding the handle) and make circular motions with it to simulate turning the crank until the Jack pops out. Then, to reset it, merely jab down with the Wii remote to push the Jack back in and close the lid.

This seems all pretty pointless, but imagine if you didn't know what motion to make! You could have an item for months before you figure out how to activate it! In fact, you may never know some of your stuff could even be interacted with! This opens up a whole new level of exploration, as well.

And how about when you meet a new villager for the first time? You could literally reach out your hand and shake their paw! Again, minor, but still pretty darn cool!

Then, of course, we have the obvious choices, such as digging, cutting down trees and swinging the bug net... Yeah, that's about all that needs to be said there!

So then, there are two very flimsy game ideas. Hey, I already told you they weren't fleshed out! Sorry, pal, no refunds.

The Duck Has Spoken.