The Super Mario Galaxy 2 logo: Slapped together in a hurry?

This is just a little something I had to toss out there. Make sure to check below for two other articles written today!


When randomly taking a look at the above logo (I do that sometimes), I noticed something strange. You can't really make it out in the above image due to Blogger having a size limit for uploaded pictures, so I've posted below a narrower scope of the image, allowing its full-quality to be uploaded.


Now, you're probably going to have to full-view this image to see what I see. Look at how clear and crisp the lines on the 2 are... Are how utterly blurry and low-res the letter above it is. It looks like someone just slapped a two on a slightly blown-up copy of the Galaxy logo.

Of course, I'm not suggesting any sort of conspiracy by this. It was on the stage, so it's real, no doubt. I'm just saying it seems that this was put together in a hurry. The only thing it could possibly indicate is that "Super Mario Galaxy 2" is merely a title-in-progress, and that the game will sport a name much more suiting of its pedigree in the end, because, let's face it, a "2" on the end of a game title is a pretty lame name for a sequel. Let's get some artistic flair in that bad boy! A game like this is deserving of so much more than a lame "2" to set it apart from its predecessor.

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Nintendo's E3 2009 press conference: Recap, commentary and observations

Don't forget to check the article below this for a rundown of how my predictions fared!


After last year's E3, people had lost much of their faith in Nintendo. The script was pretty crummy, the announcements were sparse, and what was announced (Animal Crossing: City Folk) wound up being somewhat underwhelming when it landed in stores that November. Surely this E3 would have to be better than last year's event... Right?

The first game shown (After a brief bit of sales talk) is one we saw coming thanks to that loose-lipped Japanese newspaper; New Super Mario Bros. Wii is the name of this new side-scrolling adventure for the Wii. Stylistically very similar to the New Super Mario Bros. game on the DS, players can play as Mario, Luigi, or different-coloured Toads. Nothing was said on the subject of other playable characters, but I wouldn't be surprised to see more join in on the fun.


The multiplayer aspect of the game is seamlessly integrated with the single player, with people free to come and go as they please. This new mode is both competitive and cooperative, much like what you'd see in the Four Swords games in terms of player interaction. Whenever someone dies, a bubble appears on screen containing them. If other, living players are inclined to do so, they can pop the bubble and free their allies/foes and continue along. Although they didn't say, I'd assume that if all four die without freeing a bubble-encased player, the level ends. The same probably occurs when all players exhaust their supply of free lives. An additional way players can work together is picking eachother up on their shoulders and carrying them around. This comes into play with the following power-up...


One new ability was shown off in the demonstration, and that was the Propeller Suit. From what I could see, players can save themselves when falling by activating the propeller and whisking themselves to safety. It can also be used mid-jump to add a bit more height to a leap. If a player without a Propeller Suit grabs another play who has one, they can be flown around as a passenger. A neat little touch, gently forcing players to work together if need be.


In the official trailer, another new power-up is shown off: The Penguin Suit (Not an official name, just what I've dubbed it). Acting sort of like an Antarctic Hammer Bros. Suit from Super Mario Bros. 3, the Penguin Suit gives the wearer the ability to toss about snowballs at his or her enemies. So far, this and the Propeller Suit are the only known power-ups, but seeing more wouldn't surprise me in the least.


Not much else is known about New Super Mario Bros. Wii, but if the DS game was any indication, it's sure to be a classic side-scroller with enough content to keep people busy for a good while. New Super Mario Bros. Wii will be available worldwide this holiday season.


Directly following that was the announcement of the other game leaked by Nikkei: Wii Fit Plus. Despite its name, it doesn't seem to use the Wii MotionPlus at all. In fact, it still uses just the Balance Board and Wii remote, with no new peripheral or anything attached to it. Several new modes are the draw this time around, with different work outs designed to focus on different parts of the body.


Also new are 15 minigames, from a platformer-like distraction to what Cammie Dunaway referred to as "Brain Age for your behind". Yup. It's Butt Age (See below).


Wii Fit Plus doesn't look to bring a whole lot to the table in terms of new content, instead serving as more of a, well, a Wii Fit Plus. Anyone who has yet to get into the craze (Such as myself) should probably just wait for this to hit shelves this fall, sold in two packages: With a Balance Board (For newcomers like myself), or without (For Wii Fit owners looking for a little more).


After this, Reggie appeared on stage to show off the Wii MotionPlus (I know, I was expecting more sales talk, too). After talking a bit about how revolutionary and accurate the device is, he handed the show over to Bill Trinen, who proceeded to demonstrate for us a few parts of Wii Sports: Resort.


To begin, Bill Trinen started off at the first part of the game players will experience: Skydiving to the resort island. By twisting and turning the Wii remote (With MotionPlus) in the air, players can make their Mii do all sorts of moves, and even grab a hold of other sky divers and create formations in the air. This little beginning level is a perfect way to introduce the player to the abilities of the Wii MotionPlus, but like this is merely the start of the game, this is also merely the start of the new peripheral's abilities.


In the archery game, the Wii remote is held pointing up, with its back facing away from the player. The Nunchuk takes the role of the player's other hand (Which one depends on the player's hand dominance). Aiming is achieved by moving the Wii remote around, and this is where it gets cool. Even though the IR sensor is pointed straight at the ceiling, the Wii MotionPlus can still determine where on the screen the back of the remote is "pointed" at. Bill moved it around in space in front of him, and the way it was matched so perfectly on screen almost made me forget there's no IR camera on the bottom of the controller.


After this, Bill called Reggie back on stage to demonstrate the basketball free-throw game. By holding their hands above their head as if holding a basketball, with the Wii remote in the "throwing" hand, the two of them managed to have a nice, fun and challenging round of free-throws, with Reggie barely edging out Bill by sinking a "money ball" worth extra points. I'm no fan of basketball (And as such probably just used horrible terminology), but I must admit I'm excited for this part of the game. It looks challenging, yet fulfilling, and truly shows off the scope of the MotionPlus' abilities.


Wii Sports: Resort looks like an excellent sequel to the Wii game that started it all, and I'm quite looking forward to getting my hands on it on July 26th.

After this, a string of trailers for already-known games began to play. Final Fantasy: Crystal Bearers (With some pretty crummy voice actors, sadly), Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days and Mario & Luigi 3: Bowser's Inside Story (Excellent title) all went by, followed up by a trailer for something no feasible reach of the imagination could have possibly foretold...


Oh, people dreamed about it and people hoped for it, but I don't think anyone ever truly believed it would ever happen. Now, I never played the first two games personally, so I don't know a whole lot about the significance of any people shown in the trailer, but I can say that it featured some truly beautiful graphics. Screenshots really don't do it justice, so be sure to check out the trailer on Youtube.


A string of less-significant announcements followed, with stuff like Style Savvy (Localization of Girl's Mode), James Patterson Women's Murder Club: Games of Passion (Sort of an interactive novel based on the book) and C.O.P. The Recruit (An actually somewhat cool, GTA-style cop game from Ubisoft). Following this was a bit of shilling in the DSi's direction, and the announcement of Flipnote Studio (The localized name for Moving Memo Pad). Following this was the announcement of an all new game: Mario VS Donkey Kong: Minis March Again!


The third title in the Mario VS Donkey Kong series, Minis March Again! looks to consist entirely of user-created content shared over the Nintendo WiFi Connection. Going along with this is a level editor said to be even more robust than that of the previous game, giving the player an insane amount of space to work in and many additional tools and traps.


Now, what's the coolest part of this? Mario VS Donkey: Minis March Again! is exclusively for DSiWare. That's right; Nintendo is finally throwing their weight behind the fledgling DSiShop, and Mario VS Donkey: Minis March Again! will be debuting their on June 8th. Once again, you're not misreading this; This game is coming out next week! Sometimes digital distribution can be an amazing thing, huh? No price point has yet to be announced, but I'm expecting it to fall in the "800+" price range, possibly becoming the first game to actually be of a "+" price.

Following this are three more less-notable presentations; WarioWare: Made in Ore is to be called Wario Ware: DIY in North America, The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks is once again shown off (No new information), and they announce that we'll soon be able to upload our DSi pictures directly to Facebook.

After the above, Iwata appears on stage and begins to say how many people on Earth are playing games these days and how Nintendo has enlightened millions to the wonders of gaming. Basically sales talk in disguise. Iwata then turns to something new...


...another peripheral? But... I thought we were through with such things! Oh well, maybe it'll be something coo-What? It's a glorified heartrate monitor?


...I'm honestly speechless here. Apparently, so was Iwata, as he basically told us that it monitors our blood pressure as we play to gauge how we're reacting to it... Or something. He was being incredibly vague. My guess is this is still waaaaaay in the experimental stages, making it a mystery as to why they chose to show it off today.

At this point I'm pretty blown away by all the announcements (Excluding the previous one). Although I wasn't thinking it at the time, I'd probably have been alright with it if they decided that was enough for today and ended the conference. But they still had at least one more ace up their sleeve, and that was...


Super Mario Galaxy 2, a sequel to what is probably the Wii's greatest game yet. This was just crazy to me. After hearing of New Super Mario Bros. Wii, I was sure that the major Mario-related news had wrapped up for the day. I was gladly shown otherwise. Although no story details explaining why have surfaced yet, Mario is once again taking off into space, but this time he's got a friend in the cold depths of nothingness: Yoshi, mashing together dinosaurs and intergalactic adventure in a way I never imagined could qualify as not cheesy. Dinosaurs in space: Only Nintendo could make that work.


Yoshi seems far-improved from his last 3D platforming appearance in Super Mario Sunshine, though, gaining a Super Mario World-style ability to eat fruit and take on new powers and colour schemes. When turned orange, Yoshi gains Sonic-like super-speed, and turning blue causes him to blow up like a balloon then deflate, floating into the air and taking Mario to new heights.


Many other enhancements seem to have been made to the formula from Mario's first space adventure, with actual planet-sized planets and a new drill item showing up in the trailer. Also appearing in the trailer was a Super Mario Bros. 3-style "giant" galaxy, featuring humongous Goombas and blimp-sized blocks. Now who says you can't build on perfection?


Nintendo is expanding upon a winning formula here, and I have every reason to believe that this will be an amazing addition to the Super Mario Galaxy universe (No pun intended). Super Mario Galaxy 2 is currently slated for a vague "2010" release.

Bringing us back to Earth after the previous announcement (Okay, pun intended that time), Nintendo turns to showcasing a few mature third-party Wii efforts; The Conduit, Resident Evil: Darkside Chronicles and Dead Space: Extraction all get their time on the big screen. I'm glad to see Nintendo pushing third-party Wii software. It's a lesson they've done well to learn after the N64 and Gamecube days!

After this, I thought, the show's bound to be over. A goodbye from Reggie, a final wave, and the lights go off. That's what I thought. That's not what happened. Instead, Nintendo announces that their partnership with Team Ninja has begun to pay off, and that the two have been working together on an established Nintendo franchise. First thought: Zelda. The trailer starts, and I see waves. Okay, so it's Wind Waker... Wait, that was just the Team Ninja signature. Whoops. So now we're in deep space, floating through a debris field. Oh my god, it's got to be Star Fox! Wait, who's this? Some woman in a space station? That's not Star Fox at all... Some commander-like guy asks her a question and OH MY GOD IT'S A NEW METROID.


Samus is back, but this isn't a first-person shooter. It's more of an action platformer, similar to Ninja Gaiden (A Team Ninja product). But in space, and with an arm cannon, so by default it's infinitely superior (Nerd alert). Freed from the restraints of first-person shooters, Samus now takes matters into her own hands... Literally. I mean, look below.


She has a freaking space lizard in a headlock. That's just plain badass. Samus is now able to punch the crap out of things, as well as shoot them. If that alone doesn't make this game awesome enough for you, watch this trailer and try not to smile. Go ahead, I'll wait...

...finished? Did you smile? Damn straight you smiled. And did you hear that at the end? She spoke. Samus talks now. She's probably the only silent protagonist I ever wanted to see go vocal (Except maybe Gordon Freeman, he's gotta have tonnes to say), and here it is. I really have to get my hands on that Metroid Prime Trilogy when it comes out and get back into the universe of Metroid. I've got to be ready for when it lands next year!


After this, Reggie takes the stage once more. What, he's announcing more? Stop, you're going to kill me! Well, I'm alive, so I guess that tells you no more announcements were made. And now, after all these surprises and revelations, the conference finally comes to a close. Looking back on it as a whole, I'd have to say this was definitely in the same league as the 2007 presentation, and nearly up there with the 2006 showing. If you honestly came away from this conference disappointed, I'm sorry, but I don't think you'll ever be satisfied. Nintendo delivered today, and they've shown that us gamers that have been with them for all these years still fit in with their plan. Thank you, Nintendo.

To summarize: Yes, it is better than last year's event. And don't call me Shirley.

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The three scariest enemies ever to touch a Nintendo system

In the spirit of Halloween, here's something a little spookier than usual. Feel free to enjoy this while chowing down on copious amount of candy. It would only make sense, as that's what I'm doing while writing this. Long live Halloween! Also, I know my Photoshopping sucks. Can't blame me for trying... Right?


Games on Nintendo consoles are often known for their bright palettes, colourful characters and happy, lighthearted narrative. But that's not always how things go. Sometimes, someone deep in the dev team goes mad. They end up making something so terrifying, so vile, so... Not Nintendo. Now little kids lie awake at night, quivering at the thought of what they just saw deep in their favourite, happy, E-rated video game. Having been raised on Nintendo, I've witnessed some of these moments personally, and they've forever scarred my fragile little mind. The following three creatures are the most terrifying I've ever seen in all my time playing Nintendo consoles.

Bowser in Luigi's Mansion

In his oh-so-predictable little way, Bowser almost always manages to make an appearance in every Mario game, and he quite often proves to be a formidable foe. However, in Luigi's Mansion, Bowser's different. He's big, spiky, shelled, hairy-Wait, that's normal. The real kicker is this: He's dead. King Boo gutted and possessed Bowser's corpse, using it as some sort of vile flesh Gundam in the final battle in Luigi's premiere leading role. Lumbering about the rooftop, these reanimated remains of Bowser seem like just another cheesy boss with a slightly morbid twist. That's when things start to get crazy.

After wailing on this poor corpse for a while, the head comes off and just... Floats there. Yeah, yeah, King Boo, I'll get to killing you in a minute, but... This is just disgusting. His head is just floating there with the look of death on its face. Wait... Oh god. Oh god no! He's back on his body... BACKWARDS. Now he's stumbling around the roof, grabbing at his head in vain to put it back on right. Seriously, WOW.

Now, some may argue that this isn't really Bowser, and that King Boo is just using some sort of Bowser robot suit. To them I ask: Where, then, did he get this suit of robotic terror? Plausible answer: None. This is no animatronic suit of reptilian doom. No, this is the honest-to-goodness corpse of Bowser, king of the Koopas. Heck, he dies so often, I wouldn't be surprised is King Boo has a closet full of those things. He had to land somewhere after he was killed in Super Mario Bros. 3!

Never thought you'd see such a gruesome moment in a Mario game, did you? Well, you were sure proven wrong! You can have your Boos, Bouldergeists and haunted merry-go-rounds. I'm gonna stay over here with the true reigning king of scary Mario monsters: The decapitated corpse of Bowser.

...actually, on second though, I'll come stand with you. MAN that's a creepy boss.

Dead Hand

Ah, Ocarina of Time. What a wonderful game you were. I remember much of you fondly. Hyrule Field, Volvagia, the Zora Domain... However, there's one part that I have less fond memories of... The Kakariko Well. Undoubtedly the scariest part of any Zelda game, the Kakariko Well is full of so many terrifying things. However, not even 30 ReDeads, Phantom Ganon and Richard Simmons all rolled into one could compare to the abject terror stricken into my heart whenever I go up against Kakariko Well's Dead Hand.

Resembling a pale, bloated corpse, Dead Hand's primary section lumbers about the arena, slowly coming towards terrified little Young Link. Once within range, it slowly lowers its hideous head, bare its long, disgusting teeth, and prepare to attack. Of course, this is the point where you strike. Sounds simple, right? Wrong.

Dead Hand's name comes from the fact that there are, quite literally, arms sticking out of the ground all over the arena. These arms can reach up, grab Link, and hold him still until the lumbering mass that is Dead Hand's body can lurch over, lower its head, and attack. You can fight to escape the hands, or even attack them while free to even the odds a bit. Still, these pale limbs lurk all over the room, slowly moving about, constantly coming towards you. Dead Hand's hungry, and he's feeling like some Hylian food today.

It gets even more terrifying when you consider this: Just what is Dead Hand? Is he true to his appearance, consisting of the limbs of the dead, all controlled by one large, bloated, legless corpse? Is he the embodiment of Ganondorf's insanity? Or is he a severely mutated villager from Kakariko, forever warped and morphed by some bizarre magic? We may never know for sure, and I consider that to be the scariest part of all. When a developer leaves an enemy's origin to the player's imagination... Things can get really, really messed-up.

Dead Hand rarely shows up in discussions about scary Zelda monsters, and I have no idea why. He's far scarier than Phantom Ganon, and leagues above the face-humping hoards of ReDeads. Dead Hand is hands-down (Hurr, pun) the scariest Zelda enemy in history, and if you don't agree, I suggest you revisit Ocarina of Time. Go ahead, get grabbed by his limp, pale hand. Be victim to his ferocious, close-up, tooth-baring attack. Then walk away, change into a clean pair of pants, and tell me ReDeads are scarier.

I'd say "let's give a big hand to Dead Hand", but I'm sure he has enough as is.

Dr. Salvador

Resident Evil 4, on the whole, is likely the scariest game I've ever played. Bloody tendrils sprouting from the backs of dogs, Wolverine-like claws flying at my face, Las Plagas parasites shooting from the necks of angry villagers... It's certainly something that should be played with the lights on. The one enemy in Resident Evil 4 that really takes the cake, though, would have to be Dr. Salvador. With his burlap sack mask, flailing chainsaw, and more longevity than an Energizer battery, this doctor always has an opening for new patients... And his patients always leave with a few extra openings themselves.

The true horror begins before he even comes into your line of sight. You're walking through the village, keeping an eye out for zombies, when, all of a sudden, you hear the revving of a chainsaw. This is when you know you're truly in deep trouble. Suddenly he comes running out of nowhere, charging at you with his chainsaw above his head. One second he's nowhere to be seen, and the next he's lowering his deadly weapon upon your neck. You know how in a lot of commercials it says "4 out of 5 doctors recommend it"? Dr. Salvador's that one who doesn't recommend it, as all of his remedies involve chainsaws and jugular veins.

A really creepy part of Dr. Salvador's bloody campaign is how many times he keeps getting up. You gun him down, you think he's dead, but fifteen minutes later, he's back in a brand new setting to cut you up into bite-sized pieces. You gotta hand it to the doc, he's persistent!

I know that this article is otherwise consisted of terrifying enemies in happy games, but dammit, I just couldn't leave this one out. Dr. Salvador is one terrifying, messed-up son of a Plagas. Or is he? This is where things become interesting. We never find out for sure if Dr. Salvador actually is infected. For all we know, he's just some maniac with a chainsaw who loves his job a little too much. Just imagine if he could talk... "Dammit, Leon, I'm a doctor, not a murderer! Well, actually I'm a murderer too, but I needed a hobby, so here we are. Now, it's jugular time!" That was so poorly written and unfunny it's almost scary!

So then, there you have it: The three most terrifying enemies I have ever seen on a Nintendo console. Do you agree with what I said? Did I miss one? Do you disagree with one of my choices? Or do you just want to whine a little? Well, look no further than the comment section, or this forum thread. Hurry, before Dr. Salvador makes you fun size!

Edit: November 2nd, 2008 at 1:37 AM: One thing I want to add here: I know that there are many, many Resident Evil monsters far scarier than Dead Hand and Luigi's Mansion Bowser. Thing is, I didn't want to put more than one creature on here per franchise. Otherwise, it'd be nothing but Dr. Salvador, the machine gun guy and the zombie dogs. I tried to keep some variety going here, as I wanted it to be an "overall" sort of article, not a "this franchise is scary, man, look at these" article. This way we have a better variety, instead of just three guys from the same game. Heck, if I went for the other approach, I probably would have just scrapped this article altogether. That's how much it would have sucked, to be perfectly honest. Oh, and I don't claim to have played every single scary game to grace a Nintendo console. I'm sure there were some pretty tense and shocking moments in Manhunt 2 poised to make me shed my skin in a most unpleasant manner.

So yeah, that's the story of this article. I actually originally intended to include a version of the above paragraph in the post, but I forgot, so... Now I need to make a big, ugly edit instead. Oh well, live and learn. You guys all have a great Sunday, and I'll see you on Monday (Or 2:00 AM Tuesday; I procrastinate a lot).

Shadow with a gun, Sonic with a sword... What could be next?

As everyone with an internet connection is now well aware of, Sonic will be returning to the Wii next year. Thing is, he won't be alone. No, Sega thought it necessary to give Sonic a huge freaking sword to help do the job. Because, you know, it's not like he couldn't fight without a weapon. He's only the fastest thing alive.

Of course, this isn't the first time a Sega character has packed some weaponry. The infamous Shadow the Hedgehog game from 2005 featured Sonic's angst-ridden co-star Shadow wielding a gun and trying so hard to be bad-ass. This got me thinking: What if other normally weaponless characters decided to change things up?



Well, Mario is a plumber, after all, so it would only make sense that he'd have a wrench on him somewhere. Yet, for some reason, Mario's never even touched one in all his years in videogames. I wonder why that is? Perhaps Nintendo isn't so keen on their star character beating enemies to death with a plumbing implement. Could get kind of messy.



Sure, Olimar usually has his Pikmin to do all the dirty work, but really, it's foolish to depend so heavily on weird little plant dudes. With all the tiny little objects he finds on that strange planet, you think he'd turn one into a weapon of some sort, just in case he gets separated from his battalion. So why not a push pin? The little captain could surely wield something as small and lightweight as that. Of course, stabbing Bulborbs would probably lead to a far higher rating than the series' standard E for Everyone. Those guys would almost certainly do a lot of bleeding.



The Rabbids have grown tired of their humour-based weaponry. The world is learning to defend against their plungers and fly-swatters. Now, it's serious. The Rabbids have decided to fight fire with fire. Using their industry connections with Builders League United, the Rabbids have secured several dozen flamethrowers for their world-domination scheme. Because if there's one thing that goes well with idiot rabbits, it's lots and lots of fire.

Although the chances of any of these weapon pair-ups happening are slim, the hilarity that comes from imagining them is immense. The day I see a Rabbid wielding a Team Fortress 2 flamethrower is the day I can die a happy man.

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The Duck Has Spoken.

Bits and pieces: Random game ideas volume 4

I hope all you Americans out there had a great Independence Day!



As always, my brain is going nuts 24/7, spewing out random crap at such a rate to make one's head spin. Once in a while, though, something good does come of it, such as a couple game ideas. Here they are, with laughably bad Photoshop images accompanying them.

Mario Hockey

First of all, there's the idea of Mario Hockey. Now, I'm pretty sure I wrote about this somewhere before, but it surely wasn't in as much detail as this will be. Anyways, the game would be just what it sounds like: A standard Mario/sports crossover along the lines of Strikers, Baseball and Hoops. Like those other games, the sport would be significantly spiced up with the addition of many Mario items, power-ups and craziness. As you can see from the above picture, I'm thinking of items such as Bob-ombs, banana peels and Koopa Shells would join the fray, along with a few rink hazards. Holes in the ice? Random ramps? Perhaps even randomly-falling Whomps?

Just imagine the chaos. There you are, the famous plumber himself, dashing towards the opposing team's net. A Snifit comes out of nowhere, charging at you with a speed-boosting mushroom. You quickly toss out your only item, a banana peel, causing the speeding foe to spin out and fall into a hole in the ice. You keep going, dodging flying shells, exploding Bob-ombs, and various other obstacles. Finally, you reach the net. Bowser stands as goalie, staring you down as he prepares to roast you with his fire breath. You quickly charge up your special shot (A la Strikers), pull back your stick and slam it right between the big reptile's legs. Score one for Mario's team.

Seriously, wouldn't this be great? And just imagine how certain items could affect the rink, too! Bob-ombs causing those pesky holes in the ice, Bowser's fire breath melting the rink's surface into a temporary puddle (It would re-freeze over a few seconds), and even slamming into the ice so hard to make it crack and form a ramp. The possibilities for a Mario Hockey are mind-blowing, and I really hope some developer is busting their ass on this right now. I need the hectic, Mario-fueled ice hockey now, man!



As you are probably aware, a DS game by the name of Pokémon Dash was released back in 2005. Another bit of common knowledge is that this game sucked dramatically. Really, I rented this, and even the standard $8 fee felt like a rip-off. Dash was very close to ending up in last year's Three worst DS games article. It was that bad. The sad thing is, though, the concept was pretty great. Racing with Pokémon? Hell yeah! Nintendo has the technology. They can rebuild this. And thus I propose Pokémon Chase.

Like Dash, Chase would be a racing game starring, of course, Pokémon. The similarities just about end there, though. Instead of being restricted to playing only as Pikachu, players would be able to select from a wide variety of race-ready Pokémon, such as Rapidash, Tauros, Mightyena, and Houndoom. Also unlike Dash, every usable Pokémon in Chase would have it's own special abilities, speed, jump height, and level of maneuverability. For example, a Tauros would be able to knock opponents aside and run very, very fast, but it would have a terrible turning radius and wouldn't be able to jump very well. Rapidash would be quite the same, but would instead have a Flamethrower-like ability enabling it to scorch and slow down its foes temporarily.

Instead of Dash's scattered checkpoint-style gameplay, Chase would be a more straightforward racer like Mario Kart. As in Kart, each track would have its own theme of sorts, each of which mirroring a location in the Pokémon world. There could be a race atop the mountain surrounding Indigo Plateau, a circuit involving the Cycling Road, and perhaps even one taking place on a series of connected rooftops high above Saffron City. I can see so much potential in a completely re-vamped Pokémon racer, and it would be amazing if someone were to make this game a reality. For now, though, I suppose I'll just need to get my Pokémon fix separate from my racing dosage. But getting both at the same time... Wow.

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The Duck Has Spoken.

The worst final bosses

Think of this as "The greatest final boss battles of all time"'s evil little brother.

Generally a game's story leads up to a huge, amazing battle at the end. Super Mario Galaxy, Metroid Prime and The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time are all fine examples of this. After so much adventuring and fighting, players finally reach the final boss. Really, at this point, we gamers deserve to be treated to an amazing spectacle of game design and storytelling. We want the last part of this game to be the best. Sadly, some games just can't pull it off, leaving us with a disappointing final battle hardly fit for the adventure we just completed.

Link: The Faces of Evil and Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon

Of course, there are some cases where the battle's mediocrity is rivaled only by the rest of the game it's in. Thus is the story of Link: The Faces of Evil and Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon. The resulting bastardization of an ill-fated Nintendo/Phillips partnership, these two games are widely regarded as some of the worst ever made. The final boss battles did nothing to make up for the terrible quality and design of the games themselves. After all this time, all this suffering, you want to really have it out with Ganon. You want to rip his Face of Evil off of him for forcing you to experience this crap pile of a game. And how does the battle go?

"...or else you will DIE!"

One hit, he's down. No, really. In Faces of Evil and Wand of Gamelon, Ganon is defeated either by throwing some book at him, or tossing the Wand of Gamelon into his piggy face. I suppose it's only fitting, though. A crappy end to a crappy game. Alright, enough dwelling on this pustule on the ass of game design.

Super Mario Sunshine

Ah, Sunshine. It's amazing how many people have sad so many bad things about your gameplay, but hardly a peep about your terribly disappointing final boss battle. I'd hardly even consider it to be a battle, come to think of it. What does it entail? Breaking Bowser's hot tub to send him plummeting into some sort of abyss. Yup. Mario basically pushed aside all formalities and caught the man while his pants were down. A classy guy, that Mario.

"Dammit, Mario! This is my 'Me Time'!"

Anyways, throughout the entire "battle", Bowser toasts you with his flame breath as Bullet Bills constantly rain down on you. Is there anyway to hit Bowser? Nope. You don't even get to touch the bugger once in the whole darned battle. A boss battle where you don't even make contact with the enemy can be an interesting design choice if done right, but the thing is, this wasn't done right. Instead of an amazing final battle, we get to see Bowser taking a bath while Mario tears up his floating hot tub. Doesn't this go against some sort of Plumber's Code?

Pokémon Diamond and Pokémon Pearl

The final battle against Cynthia, the Elite Four Champion, is a bad boss fight for a somewhat different reason than the others on this list. The real reason this is here is because of the fact that players have to fight Cynthia. Cynthia, the person we know next to nothing about. Cynthia, the person who appeared about three times previously in the game. Cynthia, who doesn't even seem to matter at all until the time we fight her. Seriously, why her? Couldn't something else have been worked out? I mean, it was a good fight, sure, but I hardly would consider Cynthia a proper final battle. Someone we know a little better would have been nice. Perhaps even a person we thought wasn't even that strong a trainer. Imagine if it turned out to be the starter player we didn't choose. Players who chose to play as Lucas would face Dawn, and vice versa. I would have liked almost anything more than to fight this woman we knew almost nothing about.

Cynthia...? Seriously?

But, maybe I'm just nitpicking here. After all, if Pokémon were to adhere to real-world logic and probability, the chances of the Elite Four Champion being someone you know personally would be insanely low. But after facing Gary, Lance and Steven, I had expected someone more important to the story to be my opponent. Heck, facing off against Professor Oak would have been better. Actually, that's not a bad idea... Game Freak, get working on it!

Final Fantasy

That's right, I'm calling out one of the all-time classics. Well, technically I'm calling out it's Game Boy Advance remake, but close enough. Anyways, Chaos was way too easy. I was in no way overly leveled up or loaded with the best weapons available. I took him on thinking I'd be thoroughly wiped out, but emerged victorious without even breaking a sweat.

Small picture, small threat.

I've heard that the Dawn of Souls remake is far easier than the original title, but still, it's no excuse for a 100% underwhelming and not-at-all-challenging final boss battle. I want it to feel like I'm practically dead as I deliver the final blow, not standing there yawning while swiping my sword at him. Chaos was no challenge at all. He was more intimidating as Garland. "I, Garland, will knock you all down!" Seriously, this is far more cool than anything Chaos ever said or did. Garland should have quit when he was ahead. Or behind. However time travel works.

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Gaming Oddities 3: How many more will I have to write?

Hey, folks. Gotta make it short and sweet tonight. So here's another gaming oddities! (The entire list of oddity articles can be found here)

Gaming has been around for decades, and the bizarre anomalies associated with it have been around just as long. I've already exposed fifteen of these oddities, and now to point out even more.

I guess Mario has invisible rudders.

Ever jump in a video game, second-guess yourself, and slam the analog stick backwards to turn around? I think it's happened to all of us. But... How the hell does this work? Last I checked, it was physically impossible for someone to change their trajectory in mid-air in such a manner. No, Mario isn't holding an invisible jetpack, and Sonic the Hedgehog doesn't have command over the laws of physics. Yet for some reason, they can manipulate their speed and direction in mid-air. Perhaps game characters are just magical like that.

Perhaps you can take it with you when you die...

I noticed this one a few weeks ago while playing Godfather. I was walking through a back alley and stumbled across a black market merchant. His price was a little steep for me, so I left. Then, he dies in a bizarre accident (It was an accident, I swear! My finger slipped!), dropping nothing on the ground. The weapon he was going to sell to me seems to have passed on as well.

On the other side of things, buying stuff from a guy then killing him never yields the money you just payed him. Are there heavenly bank accounts now? I should invest in that. And this isn't just restricted to The Godfather. Go kill the merchant in Resident Evil 4 and check out all the goodies he doesn't drop for you. Bugger.

"Well, she's dead. Nope, Phoenix Down won't help at all. Let's go."

Ever notice that when an RPG character dies outside of battle, your Revives and Phoenix Downs strangely cannot bring them back to life? But if they incurred their fatal injury in a non-scripted fight, it works just fine? Noticing a problem here?

The most famous example of this has to be Aeris' death in Final Fantasy VII. Sephiroth flies in out of nowhere and stabs her through the abdomen, she falls, end of story. But Phoenix Downs? Nope, can't use 'em. Funny, because I could have sworn I revived her a good fifty times previously. I guess the storyline can get in the way of thinking normally sometimes.

"Oh, don't worry, it's much more spacious inside!"

That must be a popular line with real estate agents in the Pokémon universe. After all, every building in the Pokémon games is far bigger inside than out. Take a look:



The building that once took up a few tiles on the screen now needs to be scrolled through in order for everything to be seen! Heck, the sprite for the lab's outside would fit in the inside map multiple times! You'd almost think that each building was actually a disguised entrance to a subterranean cavity much larger than the entryway above. Hmm... Come to think of it, Professor Oak has been looking awful pale lately...

So then, that's four more oddities out in the open. You really don't realize how many of these there are until you go looking for them! So then, I guess you can talk about this in the comment section, or in this forum thread. I, on the other hand, need to get some sleep. See ya'll on Friday!

The Duck Has Spoken.

Even more unquestioned gaming oddities

A sequel to "The never-questioned and omnipresent video game oddities".



For as long as games exist, there shall be a never-ending stream of oddities. Here is but another small selection of the crazy stuff that happens in games.

Free anti-gravity boots to every game star

Perhaps the craziest of all video game super abilities would have to be the infamous double-jump. First you jump, then (In mid-air), you jump again, launching off of nothing. Somebody wanna explain this to me?

A few games offer reasons as to how these feat is possible. For example, in some Metroid games players are unable to double-jump until acquiring a special set of space boots. But in other games such as, say, nearly every platformer ever made, there's no reason given at all. People just do what they please, it seems, laws of physics be damned.

Side effects include: Visions of floating coins

While we're on the subject of gravity-defying anomalies, what is up with all the floating items in games? From hovering coins to a cache of arrows levitating in the middle of nowhere, things just have a tendency to float in the magical world of video games.

Please discard all weapons at the front door

Why is it in many Zelda games that you can't use any weapons indoors? With a few exceptions such as mini-game houses, you can never whip out your sword or bow and arrow inside a building. Even some towns prevent the use of weapons (Hyrule Castle Town in Twilight Princess, for example). I guess they don't want you accidentally mutilating an innocent bystander, but with the frequent use of "Can't touch this" (As described in the last installment), what does it matter?

Let's not burn bridges... Because we can't physically do so

What is it with some wood being burnable in games, but other wood being fire-proof? If the characters in the game somehow managed to make a bridge incapable of catching fire, why not just make it out of stone instead? It'd probably be a lot easier than conjuring permanently moist cedar.

And what's with unbreakable wooden doors or whatever? Link can slice and dice monsters like they're ripe onions, but he's somehow foiled by a wooden door? It's not as if he can't kick it down or whatever. Link has bombs, too, but they don't do squat. Go figure.

Black holes make excellent space-savers

Black holes. There can be no other explanation for Cloud Strife holding so many items in a seemingly bottomless (Not to mention invisible) inventory. Too often to game characters have far too many items in far too small a space. Am I expected to believe that a Pokémon trainer's backpack can hold 99 of several different kinds of Pokéballs, a huge stock of berries and a bicycle? How about the gargantuan Biggoron's Sword simply disappearing when Link isn't using it? Where the hell does it go?

The answer is black holes. I cannot accept any other explanation.

This urgent mission can wait while you stock up on items

I can't count how many times a game has given me an urgent mission. And just about as numerous are the times I blew off this dire quest to go stock up on items or perform a side quest. "What's that? Team Magma is stealing a submarine? Gimme a minute, I gotta go participate in a Pokémon contest first.". You can run around for days doing whatever you please, and come back to find that Team Magma's still in the process of stealing the sub.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is a main character in a game, in which case it'll wait up.

All Goombas come with complimentary invisible spikes

For some reason, merely touching many enemies can inflict sometimes fatal damage on your character. It usually doesn't even matter where you touch the foe, either. Just tapping a Blooper's dorsal fin knocks a chunk out of Mario's health. They must have some sort of damaging forcefield installed or something.

And this hardly seems fair, doesn't it? I say Mario should be able to kill his foes from touching them. I guess I'll just have to settle for the Starman until that day comes...

The above is but one more drop in the giant bucket of bizarre gaming happenings. Look at pretty much any game and you'll be staring an oddity right in the face. Whether it's an indestructible wooden door or an endlessly huge inventory, I can pretty much guarantee a game will have at least one physical impossibility within. But, if games were totally realistic, I don't suppose they'd be any fun, would they? Games are fiction, not fact. But still, a little less spitting in science's face would be nice.

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